Bright Bottom

Spanking Positions #4

2012-02-25T19:02:00.000-05:00

Once again it's time for my next illustrated survey of spanking positions, which is inspired by Bonnie's Top Twenty Spanking Positions.

The first three installments covered:

#1, Over the lap at the edge of a bed or couch,
#2, Over the lap on a plain, armless chair (part two was here), and
#3, Over the lap at the center of a bed.

Spanking Positions #3 was by far the most popular because it got "Chrossed."

I'm going to skip ahead to Bonnie's positions #5 and save #4 for later. Postition #5 is one Bonnie calls "Hands and Knees." This is her description:

As the name suggests, the spankee is positioned upon hands and knees, typically on a bed or the floor. This position is convenient for both spanking and sex. Almost any implement can be used.

We have used this position quite a bit, and I'm sure it is familiar to most readers, because it really is convenient for "spanking and sex," and not necessarily in that order. You can't say that much better than Bonnie did. I like this position because most women look very sexy this way, and the position presents the bottom in prime position for spanking with just about any implement your heart desires.

Unfortunately my superior record keeping skills have bit me in the ass again, and I don't know where these particular photos came from as I collected them some time ago. If you'd like credit for one of them, or want me to take one off, please chime in and I will do as you wish.

The young lady in picture #1 has assumed the position. This particular picture shows one of the problems with finding good pictures of this spanking position: showing more gratuitous pussy than I typically like to show. In this case some of the girl's hoo-ha is in the picture too. While I have nothing against hoo-has in general, and especially this one in particular, I don't go out of my way to show them here.

I like the way that young lady has her pants pulled down but has kept her shoes on for some reason. You can tell by her big smile that she's eagerly anticipating what is going to happen next.

This example shows something I find in many of the spanking pictures involving this position, which is that the spankee often ends up on knees and elbows rather than hands and knees. I have included this variation of the basic position since it doesn't change too much. If anything, it contributes to what I call a "high ass" presentation which I mentioned previously.

This spanker appears to be using his hand; if it were me, I would probably be using a paddle of some sort. Hand spanking seems to work a lot better with an OTK position, which almost begs for it. Positions like this beg for a good paddle or slapper in my opinion.

Here is a classic "after" picture.

This lass has kept her shoes on too, giving her a little of that "sexy school-girl in bobby socks" look which appeals for some reason. Spankee #3 is clearly not as thrilled with the proceedings, and obviously her bright bottom has something to do with that.

I think that woman is kneeling on a bed, though it is hard to tell from the picture.

This image speaks for itself, I think, and has all the appearance of a good old-fashioned punishment spanking.

We have a small assortment of canes, though we don't use them very much. I think Kallisto finds a caning to be higher on the pain meter than a typical spanking, judging by her reaction. Although she is pretty stoic, and doesn't make a lot of noise during a spanking. Part of the reason I make her count during our OTK encounters is so that I know she didn't fall asleep (ha ha).

If you are a fan of outdoor spankings, which I can honestly say is an activity that we have not indulged in and are not likely to, you should read Padme's recent post about outdoor spankings.

Here's a F/F hand spanking delivered in this position. The spankee here has also gone "ass over elbows," as did the woman above.

I'm not sure if it's my imagination, but the spanker's hand here looks to be even redder than the spankee's bottom. Perhaps she has finished spanking someone else, and has turned her attentions to miscreant number two.

I like the way the spankee has her feet slightly crossed for some reason. The pulled down panties adds style points for me too.

This photo shows the spankee kneeling on an object of some type that I can't identify, which is a variation. Bonnie has a separate position for kneeling (her # 12), where the spankee kneels on or near something but doesn't support their weight with their hands or elbows (which is the difference from today's position as far as I can tell from her description).

A lot of photos of spankees in a kneeling position (or a variation of it) show them kneeling on a chair or at the edge of a bed and resting their hands on something. This is a variation of another position that Bonnie calls "Janeen's kneel," in which the spankee kneels on the seat of a chair and wraps their arms around the back. If I can find enough photos of that one, I'll return to it later.

I've included this picture here since it is a variation of the hands and knees position.

This spankee shows an interesting variation involving two chairs, which is quite inventive. I like this variation a lot, though we have never tried it because we don't have two suitable chairs. It's almost enough to make me wish we did, though.

This spankee has evidently been entertained with some sort of long, thin paddle, which you can see lying across her back.

I think "after" spanking pictures which display the spanking implement are a lot of fun.

Here is a fun example which shows that hands and knees spanking is not a lot different from some OTK positions.

While this spankee could be considered OTK, she does support her own weight here (with a little help from the spanker).

This photo is nice though the color temperature is quite warm to my tastes, which does complement her warm bottom I suppose.

I'll close with this photo, which technically is not a hands and knees spanking photo at all.

I like this photo because it leaves a lot to the imagination and begs lots of questions. Is this young lady about to be spanked, or has she just been spanked? It's difficult to tell from the condition of her lovely bottom, though I think I detect a hint of red there.

This photos shows an element I find very sexy, which is the "pulled up skirt and pulled down panties" look. The crossed over legs are very sexy too, it gives her a sort of look of casual acceptance of her condition I think, as do the crossed arms behind the back.

This photo begs for a short story, if you ask me.

In closing I'll mention that today's position, particularly the "ass over elbows" variation, lends itself to certain bondage opportunities if you put your mind to it. One variation we use is to have Kallisto kneel over an exercise ball, which takes the weight off her hands, which can then be bound in a variety of ways. The exercise ball adds for a nice springy bounce for the after spanking sex too.

Saturday Updates:

Last week we earned $30.96 browsing and shopping at EdenFantasys.
Simply Hot.
OTK resolution counter + 300

Latin Volleyball Ass

2012-02-24T16:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Friday! I had hoped to put up a Flash Fiction Friday entry today, but there was apparently no challenge this week so I have to improvise. This limerick was inspired by a recent visitor who found me after they Googled "Latin Volleyball Ass."

See more volleyball ass at theChive.com

She puts her hands right there in back
and points at her delicate crack
Her cheeks are quite pretty
Though sandy and gritty
I wish I could give them a smack!

TGIF Updates:

Like Mother, Like Daughter

Spanking Mary Marvel

2012-02-23T16:38:00.001-05:00

Kallisto always presents herself for her spanking wearing only a top. Last night when she went over my lap I pulled her hem up to reveal her bottom and for a split second I thought her behind was purple, but it turned out it was just a pair of purple Granny Panties. They were quite decorative, as far as Granny Panties go. I prefer a thong (on her) partly because I can leave it on her while I spank her bottom, but mostly because I can hook my finger behind the string, pull it, and snap it into her crack. This always produces a pleasing (to me) reaction, especially when I say "Whee!" while I do it. "Thong Snapping" should be considered as an Olympic sport, I think. I can easily imagine Scott Hamilton judging it.

I don't want to give the impression that I ever make Kallisto's bottom purple though. I don't like to take the spanking far enough to leave bruises on her, but prefer to leave it with a bright pink or red patina.

When I got done last night, a nice shade of red was blooming. I had graduated from using my hand (just 210 this time) to using a leather paddle, but I stopped earlier than I would have liked when the power started going on and off. We were having a thunderstorm at the time, and our spanking got interrupted which was annoying. Kallisto had to go look for a flashlight, because she was afraid the power would go off in the middle of my BJ, which wouldn't have bothered me but she is funny that way, not that I'd complain about the particulars of her BJ protocol because I'm not insane. The funny part about that was when Kallisto asked me to restart the CD player before she commenced, because she said she "does her best work to music" and I commented something about this blowjob being from her "celebrated blue period" which looks dumber in print now that I see it, but possibly you had to be there.

Sometimes when I'm bored I Google strange combinations of words with "spanking" and see what turns up. So I Googled "Spanking Chicago" last night (which just popped in my head for no reason) which led me to the Chicago Spanking Review, a web site I'd never heard of. (All of the images here came from there.) CSR was interesting enough that I added it to my "In With the New" list in the sidebar so I can find it easier next time. That list is where I temporarily park interesting links for storage until I get off my duff and put them to the sidebar section where they belong.

There is a lot of spanking art-related stuff there, especially cartoon related, like this cartoon of Supergirl being spanked by Mary Marvel. I completely missed Mary Marvel growing up. Though I was not much of a comic book reader as a youth, I'm not sure how I missed her.

There seems to have been a lot of spanking going on in the Marvel family, which also included Captain Marvel (of course) and her brother. Mary is on the bodacious side for a make-believe cartoon person, and if I ever have to be spanked in the funnies I'll be sure to look her up.

Mary Marvel also seems to be a favorite among people who like to draw erotic pictures featuring cartoon characters, like this one (found here) in which she's writing "I will not wear panties to class." I applaud this sentiment, which would have made school a lot more fun than I remember. In case you're wondering, Mary changed to a clingy black outfit with lace up boots in 2006, because she acquired the powers of somebody called Black Adam, which I think was just a clever excuse to kink her up a bit. And it succeeded.

Mary seems to be on the spanker end of the spanko action in most of the pictures I found, but I did find this one too in which Supergirl turns the tables, which I include only so I could title this post "Spanking Mary Marvel," as I think that sounds a lot better than "Mary Marvel Spanking." I briefly thought about "Mary Marvel Spanks Geraldo." If I could draw, that would definitely happen.

I'm working on Spanking Positions #4, and hope to have it up this weekend if all goes well.

Thursday updates:

Kallisto informs me her "Granny Panties" are actually "Bikini Panties."

Mothers I'd Like to Spank, Redux

2012-02-22T16:42:00.001-05:00

A month or so ago I put up a post titled Mothers I'd Like to Spank, in which I talked about how the number of attractive women is steadily increasing as I grow older, and how older women are getting more attractive by the day. I often see, especially on television, cases where mother and daughter appear together, and I often find myself thinking. "Mom looks pretty hot."

Renee Wyatt, the mother

The other day the "hot mom phenomenon" was demonstrated to me again, when I saw a show called "American Guns" on the Discovery Channel for the first time. This is a reality-based show about a wealthy family that runs a gun business, buying, selling, gunsmithing, etc. Two of the characters actually are mother and daughter.

I can see the mom like this

You can see Mom there at the upper right. It's extremely easy for me to envision her in a dominant position, so maybe I should have called this post "Mothers I'd like to Spank Me." Except I'm not at all fond of being on the bottom end of the paddle, having tried it a few times. Probably "Mothers I'd like to see Spank Somebody Else" is a lot more accurate.

Even better, "Mothers I'd like to see spank Geraldo." Geraldo would start blabbering about something (most likely himself) and she'd yell "Quiet!" and commence to blistering his bottom. That would make for an epic reality show. But she wouldn't be allowed to shoot him, because we'd need him back next week to do it again.

But I digress. The mother here could do a bang up job as a dominatrix. The daughter (I'll get to her in a bit) would be more decorative draped over someone's lap I think, though she is officially not old enough (she's under 18) for me to think of her in that position. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

As I've mentioned before, I'm fascinated by images or videos of women spanking men, which is why I pop by Dana's so often. I think the power disparity is much more obvious when the woman is the top, which makes the whole situation more spicy somehow. If it wasn't for the fact that I have an aversion to having my ass blistered, I might be more than a watcher.

The daughter, Paige Wyatt

For comparison, the daughter is shown here to the right. There's more photos of both of them down below too.

It's easy to argue the daughter is more physically attractive, in a nubile, jail-bait, flat stomached, ~~tight ass~~ Daisy Duke sort of way. However, there are subtle attributes that add to attractiveness far beyond mere physical appearance (like physical presence, which is not the same thing.) The mom has physical presence in spades, and she cleans up pretty good in her own right.

Another thing I liked about the Mom was that she really knows how to handle a firearm, which I think is sexy, probably because it plays into the whole dominant woman thing so well. The daughter handles a gun pretty well too, but I don't think she shoots any better than Kallisto does based on what I saw.

While both of them rank pretty well up on the bodacious meter, I gave Mom the edge while Kallisto was more in favor of the daughter. We frequently disagree on the relative attractiveness of persons of the female persuasion, so I wasn't too surprised.

Decisions, decisions.

A cuddly pair.

Just shoot me.

Hump Day Updates:

The texting cow.
Man chooses Buffalo as best man.

Spanking Dreams

2012-02-21T21:03:00.001-05:00

The bell jangled quietly as Beth Rawley entered the shop and closed the door gently behind her. She walked confidently across the worn, creaking floorboards between the antique display cases crammed with a century’s worth of bric-a-brac. She liked the shop because it had the same homey odor as the interior of the old closets in her 19th century home, so she instantly felt safe and comfortable, like she was among friends. Beth always enjoyed coming in, because she could count on finding unique, interesting items for her collection. There was no one else in the shop, other than the grey-haired shop keeper.

He looked up and gave his usual taciturn smile. “Have something good for you,” he offered. Frank Wilson was the friendly but reticent owner of the village's combination pawn shop and antique store. Frank frequented estate sales all over Vermont, and had a huge assortment of odd items squirreled away. If he didn't have something, he knew who did.

Beth, a life-long resident of the village, was one of his best and most loyal customers. She knew from experience that Frank would provide her with interesting collectibles and keep her business to himself at the same time. In turn, he liked her because she was knowledgeable, friendly, and above all because she paid top dollar for quality. Everyone thereabout was vaguely aware that Beth had money; most of the villagers supposed she had inherited it, but no one was certain. Though she was friendly, no one knew her too well because she had kept to herself since her parents had passed away.

Frank reached under the counter, then carefully placed an object inside a satin drawstring bag on top. Painstakingly, he opened the drawstring and produced an antique, ivory hairbrush.

Just looking at it made Beth’s heart skip a beat. The back of the brush was intricately carved. In the center of the carvings was a small oval. Looking closely, she could barely make out some well worn oriental characters. Impulsively, she reached out and traced a fingertip along the carving, following the curves.

“How lovely!” Beth exclaimed. She knew instantly she must have it.

“Chinese probably,” he said. “Not sure how old. Woman just brought it in. Inherited it from her grandmother. Told me she didn’t want it in the house another minute.” For the normally reticent shopkeeper, that was a typical conversation’s worth of words.

She raised her eyebrows, leaving the question unasked.

“Didn’t say,” he said. “Seemed happy to get rid of it. Probably needed the money.”

They haggled politely for a few minutes, and the deal was done. The brush became the latest in a long line of Beth’s prized possessions.

Beth’s great secret was that she collected spanking implements and every-day objects that could be used for that purpose. “Pervertables,” she called them. She liked to look at them, hold them in her hands, and run her fingers over them. Sometimes she smacked one against her palm. With her eyes closed, she would imagine what each might feel like, smacking against her bare bottom while she sprawled across a handsome gentleman’s lap or over the arm of a sofa. This whippy one might sting, that slappy one may burn. Another would possibly leave a welt or a red mark. The heavier, thuddier ones would possibly leave bruises. Beth frequently dreamed about and imagined being on the receiving end of a good spanking. Which some people might consider odd, if they had known her secret, because Beth had never once been spanked.

The idea of spanking had danced in Beth’s mind since she was a little girl, since before she had memories of anything else. Though her parents never spanked her, and never needed to, spanking and discipline were constantly on her mind growing up. As a child, she would scold and spank her dolls in private, using whatever tiny pervertables she had collected for the purpose. A small metal spoon, or a piece of leather thong perhaps. Sometimes she put them over her knee, and spanked them with her bare hand, savoring the sting in her hand and wondering if it would be as wonderful in her bottom.

In school, her heart would race when one of the other students got spanked. Once, a girl in her class had been paddled in front of the entire class. Beth had gotten so excited watching the girl's bottom redden beneath her panties that she hyperventilated, and the teacher had called Beth’s mother to come take her home. Beth still had dreams about that day. She remembered how she envied the girl. Yet Beth herself never dared misbehave, even for the reward of a stinging bottom, for that would not have been proper. An only child, she had not wanted to disappoint her family.

Beth lived alone in a small hill town in Vermont, still in the house where she was born and where she had stayed to care for her loving parents until they passed away. She had been away to college for a time, years ago now, but had returned, dissatisfied with life in Boston. There had actually been a man in her life once, and she had thought he might be the one to share her dreams with. At least up until the fateful day she confided her interest in being spanked to him. She still remembered his shocked expression. The revelation was too much for him. He never spoke to her again after that night, and soon he moved away and out of her life forever.

After that disappointment, the years had passed quickly in a succession of missed opportunities. She never had the nerve to divulge her secret wishes to anyone again. The only one who suspected, as far as she knew, was Frank Wilson, but he was content to keep his suspicions close. She imagined that he believed what people bought from him was their own business, though he seemed to know what she wanted better than she did. He had long ago learned to anticipate items she would like, and he set them aside for her.

She had thought once about trying to spank herself, but never attempted the task. It was just wrong, she thought. Beth believed a proper spanking should be a deeply personal experience, something to be shared only between two people who loved each other. She was willing to wait for a strong man to discipline her lovingly, but had long since given up any realistic hope that such a man would magically appear in her life.

Now nearing middle age, Beth had accepted that her life was meant to be lived in just this way. She kept herself busy with sewing, reading, or volunteer work, when she wasn’t cleaning or dusting the hundreds of antiques in her house or caring for Archibald, her Maine Coon cat.

Carefully, she unlocked the door to her collection room, entered, and closed the door gently behind her, with Archibald close at her heels. She opened the glass door to the display case where she kept her best paddles and hairbrushes. Archibald rubbed against her leg and purred as she rubbed her forefinger again over the carvings on the brush, while imagining how they might feel smacking against her tender bottom. With a sigh, she lovingly put the ivory brush in a prominent place, then closed the glass door gently and locked it. She looked around the room with satisfaction.

A dizzying array of canes, crops, larger paddles, leather straps, tawses, and implements she didn’t even know the proper name of all hung from a multitude of pegs on the wall. They were carefully ordered by type, and within type by size and other criteria known only to her. Some of them had special names. She could remember when and where she acquired each one, and knew how much she had paid for it. Beth would spend hours, imagining the history of each of them. How many bottoms had they entertained?

No one entered this special room but her and Archibald. Other than the display cases, there was no furniture except for a plain, straight backed chair made by her grandfather. The chair stood mutely in the center of the room on a simple hand hooked rug, as a symbol of Beth’s unfulfilled dreams. She never sat in the chair, but she often sat cross-legged on the rug, petting Archibald, and looking at the chair longingly, imagining the day when she might invite the right man to sit there, pull her over his lap, and give her the strong-handed discipline and the throbbing bottom she longed for.

Beth closed the door to the room, locked it, and went to bed still thinking about her newest acquisition.

~

Beth dreamed she was walking down a hallway, dressed in a simple white blouse and plaid skirt with white knee socks. She had never worn a school uniform like this in reality, but when she dreamed about school, and she frequently did, she always wore just this outfit.

She recognized she was in the main hallway in the administration building of her college. Everything around her looked and smelled exactly as she remembered it. Her footsteps echoed as she walked across the fading linoleum and down the darkened hallway, toward a closed door at the far end. The door had a frosted, opaque glass window in it, with hand painted letters that simply stated “Office.” The window glowed with light from within. It took her forever to get there, because the hallway seemed to lengthen as she walked. Her imaginary reality frequently shifted in her dreams.

There was no one else around as she approached the door. Finally, she reached it. She stood silently before the door for a few seconds, then tentatively reached out and started to touch the worn brass knob. Suddenly the door was yanked open from within.

An older, female professor she had never seen before glared at her. She wore tiny brass glasses, her hair pulled back in a severe grey bun. “It’s about time you got here, you disobedient girl,” she snapped. “I've been waiting for you.”

Inside, a line of girls stood expectantly, their backs against the wall. All but one.

That girl stood facing the wall, hands on top of her head. Beth recognized her as Emily, the same girl she had seen paddled in front of their class, all those years ago. With a thrill, Beth realized Emily’s bottom was blazing red. Beth could see all of Emily’s bottom, because she was wearing only her white stockings and her bra. Emily’s plaid skirt and white blouse were crumpled on the floor. Next to Emily, a pretty blonde girl glanced at Emily’s bottom, then looked directly at Beth and smiled. In unison, all of the girls in the room called out, “We’ve all been waiting for you, Beth.”

At that moment, the inner door opened, and a man came out. Beth recognized him as John, her lost love from long ago. He still looked exactly as she remembered him the last time she saw him, young and handsome. He stared at her, with the same shocked expression he had worn all those years ago when she confided her dark secret to him. In his hand, he held the carved ivory hairbrush.

“Take off your skirt and blouse,” he demanded.

Numbly, Beth obeyed. She had never had this particular dream before, and was unsure what was going to happen. She felt ashamed and embarrassed by her near nakedness, especially in front of John.

“Go into my office, bring the punishment chair, and place it here on the rug.” Beth suddenly recognized the rug they were standing on as the one from the locked room in her house where she kept her collection of spanking implements. Just moments before, the rug had not been there.

Beth entered the inner office and saw her grandfather’s straight-backed chair. She tried to pick it up, but it wouldn’t budge. She tried harder, and finally she was barely able to pick it up. It was very heavy, much heavier than it should have been. With difficulty, she carried the chair into the outer office.

“Hurry up!” John demanded. The girls raucously added derisive comments of their own. “You’re too slow!” scolded one. “You’ll get yours, you naughty girl,” blurted another. All of them had something to say, and all at once it seemed, except Emily, who still sobbed quietly, staring at the wall and displaying her reddened ass cheeks.

After Beth put the chair down, she stood and faced him. He looked at her lasciviously, and demanded, “Off with the panties too.” She blushed, and took her panties off. She had never felt so exposed and vulnerable in her life, and the thought of all of them leering at her nakedness made her want to die of embarrassment. She tried to cover herself with her hands.

John grabbed Beth by the wrist, then sat in the chair and pulled her forcefully over his lap. “Put both hands on the floor,” he directed. Beth leaned forward across his lap and placed her fingertips on the floor. She had to reach on tiptoe to do it. A flood of conflicting emotions washed over her: fear, shame, and excitement.

He placed his left hand in the small of her back, and held her firmly in place. His muscled thigh ground into the mound of her sex, taunting and stimulating her with every slight movement she made. Moving slowly and deliberately, he placed the back of the hairbrush against the back of her left knee, teasing her. The cold ivory carvings pressed against her skin. Carefully, he drew the brush slowly up the back of her thigh as Beth ached with anticipation. She felt herself moisten where his thigh pressed against her. The thought that the girls could see her sex mortified her. When the brush reached the crease below her bottom, it stopped.

Suddenly, the hair brush walloped onto one of her ass cheeks with a fiery sting. She flinched uncontrollably and arched her back, biting her lip to prevent crying out. “Count!” he commanded.

“One,” she groaned. She squirmed in his lap, trying in vain to find a way to protect her tender bottom without further stimulating herself against his thigh, lest she embarrass herself even more. Each time she wiggled, her sensitive nub rubbed against him. She felt herself clench, deep inside.

“One, Sir!” he corrected. The girls giggled.

“One, Sir!” she replied meekly. She squirmed again, and he pressed his hand harder on the small of her back.

“Be still,” he directed, “or I’ll thrash your bottom all the harder. Do you understand?”

“Yes Sir,” she replied softly.

Methodically and thoroughly, he began to spank her, first on one cheek, then on the other. She could not anticipate where the next blow would fall. Sometimes he spanked her in the same place, sometimes not. Some of the blows fell on her upper thighs. The sting was incredible, far beyond what she had ever imagined. Her heart pounded as the blood rushed to seat of her discomfort. The dull throb between her legs intensified. She wondered again if he could see the moisture gathering there, as the burning spread slowly throughout her thighs and bum.

THWACK! “Am I spanking you hard enough?” he demanded.

“Twenty-three, sir! Yes sir!” she cried. She could feel the tears starting to flow, and tried to hold them back lest they all laugh at her. The girls were gathered around her now. Beth could see their feet, and she sensed their excitement as they crowded the chair. She wondered if Emily was one of them. The stinging blows continued slowly and relentlessly. As he continued, he lectured her about how disappointed he was in her, and how she did not measure up to his standards in any conceivable way.

CRACK! “Fifty, sir!” Beth felt like her ass was aflame. Each stroke hurt more than the one before, until the throbbing grew to the point that she could no longer distinguish the individual blows other than by the sound the made as they smacked against her tender flesh. She started to sob openly, unable to contain herself any longer.

After an eternity, she heard herself cry out, “One hundred, sir!” The blows finally stopped, even as the stinging intensified.

“Is this the way you imagined a spanking to be? Is this what you wanted me to do to you?” John asked.

“Yes Sir,” she sobbed. “Thank you Sir.”

“Well then.” John turned to one of the girls, and said “Fetch me the strap.”

~

She awoke with a start, breathing heavily. Shocked, she realized that her ass was as tender and sore as it had been in the dream just minutes before. She felt wetness between her legs, more than she had ever experienced. Though she had dreamed of being spanked many times, she had never wakened feeling like this!

Hurriedly, she fumbled for the light on her nightstand. Rising quickly, she stumbled into the bathroom, turned on the light, turned and stood looking over her shoulder at her bottom in the mirror. Her ass was bright red, even brighter than Emily’s had been in her dream. There were delicate, even redder lines at various places, which stood out from the reddish background hue of the rest of her tender cheeks. She recognized the style of some of the red lines on her cheeks as the same as the carvings on the brush. What had happened to her? She winced as she traced one of the red marks gently with a fingertip. The sensation was frightening, yet she was strangely thrilled at the same time.

Confused, she returned gingerly to her bed and reached for the light. Just before she flicked the switch, she saw it.

The ivory hairbrush rested on the nightstand, next to her bed.

With a smile, Beth picked it up and examined it closely. It was still warm, she imagined, as she traced the carvings yet again with her fingertips. After a few minutes, Beth rose to her feet and padded quietly to her special room. Archibald jumped off the bed and followed her, curious to see what she was up to.

She found the display case closed and locked, just as she left it. Beth unlocked the glass door to the case and gingerly put the ivory brush back in its place of honor. She traced the carving with her finger one last time. Carefully, she locked the display case again, then gently shooed Archibald out and locked the door to the room.

Beth returned to her bed. She touched her throbbing ass gently, and pondered her change in fortune as Archibald jumped on the bed and snuggled next to her. With a smile, she drifted off to sleep, savoring for the first time the burning throb she had longed for.

Updates:

You say tomato, I say designer toy fetish.
Traffic is slowly returning to normal after being Chrossed the other day. Visitors from there still outnumber visitors from anywhere else, but not by too much.
I got bored and tweaked my blog look. f you're interested, I added the drop-caps for the first letter using code I found here. I like it.

Big Ass Roundup

2012-02-20T19:07:00.000-05:00

Spanko4Life

The cure for a lass who is brazen

Is settin' her sweet ass a-blazen'

Pull her over your knee

When you're done you will see

The sex afterwards is amazin'

Speaking of sweet asses, and who isn't, last night Kallisto and I went out to dinner at Cracker Barrel, which is about our speed because they're inexpensive, I can order fried stuff (warning: big ass theme ahead), and they cater to a lot of people our age, so we're not usually surrounded by young people with screaming kids which is a plus.

As I was getting out of the car, I happened to glance into the back seat of the car parked next to us, and spotted a cap on the back seat which had the logo "Big Ass Fans" on it. I instantly thought that was pretty cool and wished that I had one. Though "Big Ass Fan" would be better but you can't have everything.

I asked Kallisto, "Do you suppose they make really big fans, or are they fans of big asses?" I also thought for a little while that they might be fans of "Big Ass Tequila." I even considered the possibility that they were multi-talented, builders of large fans who also distilled "Big Ass Tequila," possibly in a gigantic and very hot tequila making establishment, which would explain everything.

It turned out later when I Googled "Big Ass Tequila" that the brand is actually "Fat Ass Tequila." I obviously mixed my asses up.

And "Big Ass Fans" actually do make fans which are "big ass," so their employees are not particularly fans of big asses, though in all probability at least some of them may be. I bet they'll be surprised to be linked by me.

On a whim I also Googled "Big Ass" hoping to find another good picture to post here, but that exercise turned out to be far more disturbing than I anticipated.

Today marks the end of month two of Bright Bottom. I've posted every day, managed to attract a small following, I've been Chrossed, and I was even nominated for "Blog of the Month" at the Spanking Bloggers Network, though I'm getting roundly trounced in the voting by the Pink Report, which is OK with me because she has been blogging for a long while compared to me and is very deserving. "If you have to get beaten, get beaten by a pretty girl" is my motto. Actually it's not, but it ought to be.

And that motto would make a good logo for a cap, if you had a big ass head so your cap was large enough to fit all the words on. Or you could print them instead on the seat of your big ass overalls, which would make a statement, and would fit right in at Cracker Barrel too.

Sunday Updates:

Coming tomorrow: Spanking Dreams Chapter 1
10 trashiest cities for Spring Break
Sign of the Apocalypse: Mars will stop selling candy bars over 250 calories.

Steak and BJ Day

2012-02-19T20:14:00.001-05:00

Steak and Blowjob day is on March 14th. Mark your calendars now.

Earlier this week I found this:

That image was found on Imugr. The #1 caption was:

Looking at the amount of flowers in the card..i want a wife like yours.

which makes me realize how lucky I am because the number of flowers in that cartoon would be a slow month for Kallisto, if flowers were traded for blowjobs.

I was reminded of that image when I mentioned to Kallisto that March 14th is Steak and BJ day. She offered to take me out for a steak dinner that night too if I wanted, which was very sweet. I told her there was no real need for steak AND a blowjob, as the blowjob by itself would be perfect.

Someone in the Imgur thread with that photo pointed out that March 14th is already "PI" day (3.14) so it would be more appropriate for men to get "pie and blowjobs," which actually sounds like a better alternative to me, not that I have anything against steak.

This post is spanking related, because spanking and blowjobs both go well with submission.

Saturday Night Updates:

We just ordered a set of Black jaguar cuffs using some of our accumulated EdenPoints to pay for them. We got 30% off too since we will write a review of them after we've played with them a while.
OTK Resolution count +300

Roleplay Discipline Spanking

2012-02-18T13:52:00.002-05:00

Todd and Suzy at American Spanking Society discussed role play discipline spankings the other day, and I found the idea intriguing. I was pretty sure that Kallisto and I had never tried this before, but I brought it up yesterday and she reminded me that we had.

From Spanking Videos Blog.

Kallisto and I have the collective acting ability of a shoe box full of squirrels, so our role playing adventures in the past have not been rousing successes. The one time that we tried to role play a discipline spanking, she played the part of the naughty schoolgirl, and I played the cranky old (not a stretch for me) teacher who put her on the path of rectitude. After a brief detour down the alley of fellatio if I remember right, but it's been a while.

Also from Spanking Videos Blog.

Kallisto's actual discipline spankings are good, old-fashioned paddlings. Usually she gets one when her self-imposed demerits pile up. I'm usually not completely aware of why she's being punished particularly, other than she thinks she deserves it, which makes scolding or lecturing difficult.

There are however other possibly appealing aspects of discipline spankings, such as pre-discipline spanking rituals, which may deserve revisiting. These might include fetching the implement, writing lines, corner time, etc. I think I have put Kallisto in a corner a few times, but it's not something we do often. Red Booty woman provides a nice summary of spanking discipline rituals, so I won't dwell on them just now. All of these might be fun to include in a role-playing discipline spanking.

Instead of the two of us pretending to be someone else, it might work if we just played ourselves, but pretended she had done something particularly worthy of punishment. There would be considerably less acting involved.

On a related note, this image appeals to me: a naughty woman, standing at the board pressing her nose in a chalk circle, with her panties pulled down while she stands with her hands on her head and feels her bottom burn. I couldn't find such a picture, but the two above are quite nice.

Saturday Updates:

We earned $40.67 in the last seven days worth of EdenPoints browsing at EdenFantasys.com, thanks to their double Valentine's Day points which lasted several days.

Spanked and Folded

2012-02-17T15:47:00.000-05:00

This week's Flash Fiction Friday challenge was to use the picture above to write a flash fiction of less than 100 words, including the phrase "... folded ... ." Here is my effort:

He grabbed her by the wrist, pulled her into the laundry room, and pointed.

“Valentine’s is over! NOW can you fold and put away my underwear?”

“I don’t want to! I’m sick of folding, it’s boring!” She pouted.

“Nevertheless, I expect it to be done, and I expect YOU to do it.” His tone was terse.

“You fold it!”

“I’ll spank and fold YOU, if you don’t listen.”

She sniffed her fading rose and stuck out her tongue.

Later, she relished her throbbing, burning bottom as he folded her yet again.

“You still think folding is boring?”

“No! No sir!”

I notice that Blogger's captcha thingy in the comments has gotten particularly obnoxious lately, so I turned it off. Neener neener, Blogger. I figure there's no need for it because I've got moderation turned on anyway.

TGIF updates:

I've been chrossed finally!

10,000 OTK Swats

2012-02-16T19:17:00.001-05:00

Kallisto and I are getting close to 10,000 OTK swats in pursuit of our 2012 OTK Spanking Resolution. We don't add to our total every day, but we often get to it 4-5 days a week, and typically add from 200 to 400 at a time. I think I can pretty safely say that I am not "Edward Sissyhands" anymore.

I've discovered it's great fun to give the first 100 to 150 with one hand at a time, and then to move on to using both hands more quickly, one after the other, sometimes on one cheek, sometimes on both. These OTK spankings always give Kallisto a nice red bottom.

Now for something that made us both laugh. Every morning before I go to work, Kallisto gets up so she can see me before I leave. The other day she came out and commented that I was ready earlier than usual, and I realized that I had forgotten to shave, so I went back in the bathroom to do that. While I was in there, Kallisto had to go into the other bathroom.

No matter how much you'd like to.

For some reason, she closes the bathroom door to use the toilet and doesn't want me in there at the same time. Usually when she goes in on weekend mornings to do her routine she locks the door. I used to suspect that she had been kidnapped by aliens and replaced, and her double was hiding in the bathroom to phone home or something. But I discounted that theory eventually.

So the other day it would have been a breach of Kallisto's Rules of Bathroom Behavior for her to walk in on me while I was shaving to use the toilet (even though it is in its own room inside the bathroom with yet another door.) I find it odd that she has no problem getting up close and personal in a wide variety of ways, and lets me hear her make all kinds of personal noises when we're in the throes of whatever it is we're doing, but she apparently does NOT want me to hear her in the bathroom. Maybe she's afraid I'll see her and yell "My God, woman! You pee from there too?"

So after I shaved, I came out, found her missing, and waited for her. In a minute or so she flushed the toilet in the other bathroom and came out to meet me. And then she said, and this is a direct quote:

I can't believe you can shave faster than I can pee!

which has probably never been said by any human in recorded history. I know that because it gets zero Google hits if you put quotes around it.

Even better nose hair than I have

One of the advantages of getting old and not being able to see as well is that shaving is a LOT easier when you can't see what the hell you're doing. It makes it a lot easier to ignore those pesky nose hairs too. Shaving when you can't see too well may sound problematic, but really isn't because I use an electric razor, so I won't inadvertently whack anything off, and my face is more or less located in the same general place it has been since I started shaving.

Q: Does needing bifocals make you pee faster too?
A: Not that I have noticed, as it is difficult to pee only half way.

Last week I had my best blog traffic to date, but this week traffic is way down. I suspect that my plethora of dubiously executed fiction has had something to do with it, as a few of this week's post titles have not exactly been spanko bait. Starting today I'm going to cut way down on looking at my stats, as I waste too much time micro analyzing them.

Speaking of ~~wasting time~~ writing, I had fun writing the spanking story I put up on Monday and Wednesday, but I can honestly say I did not like the result as it didn't turn out at all as I wanted. But I pretty much had to continue after I put up the first part. The characters did not go where I wanted them to, but instead seemed to have a mind of their own, and the whole story was darker than I would have liked. In the future I'll let my stories incubate longer before I post them. I rushed that particular one because I had no other posts ready.

There is plenty of room to go on with that story line, but I'm not sure I want to. I have a lot to learn about writing, which I am painfully aware of because I read a lot, and I am constantly reminded of my writing shortcomings by reading things like this (Thanks Hermione!), but at least I realize it and aim to improve. I've started spending more time at The Library of Spanking Fiction too.

Kallisto is very sweet and tries to correct my spelling and fat fingering. Unfortunately she does not see regular posts before they go up, so most are corrected after the fact if at all. I ask her for constructive criticism of my fiction, but she has not offered any, saying only that she likes it. But then she thinks I'm generally awesome for some reason. My Wednesday post had a lot of errors, as she pointed out when I came home from work, because I "improved" it after she edited it last and she didn't see it again. I read somewhere that Tolstoy's wife recopied "War and Peace" longhand for him eight times; I have no doubt that if we were living in those days and I was a writer, Kallisto would do the same for me.

Especially if I threatened to spank her if she didn't.

Thank God it's Almost Friday Updates:

Men: Don't read this.
We're now over 10,000 swats for the year.

Matt Makes New Friends (Part 2)

2012-02-15T18:32:00.000-05:00

Here is the second part of my first spanking story. You can read part 1 here if you missed it. This turned out differently than I planned, but I had fun writing it.

Matt chose his words carefully. “It’s customary at auditions to start with fellatio, before moving on to … a demonstration of your other talents,” he replied. “Fellatio is a fundamental skill that an adult actress has to be proficient at.” He smiled at her. “I assume you are proficient?”

She opened her mouth slightly, but no words came out as her brow wrinkled with uncertainty. She seemed confused as to what she should say next.

“Fellatio means giving a blowjob,” Matt said helpfully. She really couldn't be this stupid, he thought.

She brightened as sudden relief washed over her face. “Oh, sure,” she said. “I can do that!” She paused with a momentarily distracted look and looked at a clock on the desk before turning back to him. She seemed to be waiting for something. “I can do … “ She pursed her lips again and he could almost sense the wheels turning in her head with her effort to remember what he had just said. Finally she quit searching for the right word and brightened again. “I can do that real good.” She smiled and blushed slightly.

“Excellent,” Matt said. “I’ll just make a few final adjustments, and you can start on the road to riches. Stand right here,” he said patting the carpet with one foot, “and let me make sure we're set.” He fidgeted with the camera after she was in place, and turned on a few of the reading lamps until he was satisfied with the lighting. “Perfect,” he said finally. He pushed the record button on the camera and took his place in front of her after the red light came on. She stood like a statue, glancing at the clock on the desk again. Neither of them moved for several seconds.

“This is the part where you suck my dick,” he prompted finally.

“Oh, yeah, sure!” she giggled. “I thought you would shout ‘Action!’ or pull out one of those little clapper things or something. Please forgive me, I’m just a little overwhelmed.” She blushed again.

Finally, she knelt in front of him and placed her purse on the floor beside her. Hesitantly at first, and then more confidently, she rubbed the front of his crotch with her palm. When she felt him begin to harden, she seemed to loosen up and she smiled up at him. Carefully, she took the pull tab on his zipper between thumb and forefinger, and with her other fingers extended daintily she slowly pulled the tab down. Then she unbuckled his belt and carefully slid his pants down to his ankles.

His bulge was plainly visible now. With a smile, she pushed the tip of his cock up towards his belly with the fingertips of her right hand through his briefs, while carefully pulling the waistband of his briefs up and out until it was clear of him. Finally, she wiggled his briefs side to side with both hands and lowered them onto his pants as he sprung free. She glanced up at him with another smile, his tip jutting just inches from her face. She licked her lips unconsciously and took the middle of his shaft between her thumb and index finger, gave him a practiced wiggle to encourage his erection, and smiled up at him again. Carefully closing her fingers around him, she slowly stroked her hand to the tip, then squeezed lightly and wiped a small glistening drop of precum off with her thumb. With a mock little girl voice, she said “You have a surprise for me! Close your eyes and count to 10, and I'll have a surprise for you too!”

Matt closed his eyes with a smile. He wondered if her lips would be as soft as they looked? Would she tease him, or dive right in? He shuddered with anticipation as the seconds passed. He waited for the moistness of her lips, but nothing happened. Then he was startled by a small electronic beep.

Matt opened his eyes, and saw her holding a cell phone. Her eyes flashed briefly, and she said, “Surprise!" She released her hold on him and put the phone to her ear, and said “OK,” in a suddenly detached voice.

Before Matt could react, the double doors slid open with a bang and two men barged in. One was tall, in-charge and darkly ominous, the other shorter, more muscular, yet vaguely dopey looking.

“Freeze right there!” said the ominous one.

Valerie stood and backed away quickly with a bemused look on her face. Matt noticed that she kept glancing at his erection.

“Don’t be afraid,” Matt said to her with obviously false bravado, even as he reached for his pants with one hand. “I know judo!”

Valerie snorted and looked at the ominous one. “Jesus, Mason,” she scolded. “I was afraid you wouldn’t be out there, and I’d have to keep going.”

“Very funny, Val. I'm sure you would have loved it, almost as much as him. You certainly teased him long enough.” Valerie blushed.

Mason turned to Matt, glanced at his crotch, and scowled. “I'm impressed,” he said. “But I suggest you put your dick back in your pants, judo boy. You won’t be needing it tonight.” He paused, and frowned at Matt. “We know you're the Mayor's kid, and we know what you've been up to,” he said. “You’ve been a very bad boy.”

“If you know who I am,” Matt sputtered, “you must know you'll be in a world of hurt if you run me in! I know the Chief of Police personally!”

Mason and Dopey both laughed, and Mason put a thick finger on Matt’s chest and poked him so sharply that Matt collapsed into a leather chair. Matt landed with a plop, his pants still around his ankles.

“Don’t get stupid, judo boy,” Mason said. He pointed at Valerie and added, “Even she can kick your ass. Don't let her dumb blond act fool you.” He flashed open his jacket and showed a shiny .357 magnum in a shoulder holster. “Your daddy the Mayor's been a thorn in a lot of butts for a long time. Not just mine.” He turned to the girl, and Matt thought he saw a quick wink. Mason continued, “This might be our lucky day!” Valerie grinned.

Dopey looked around the room and started laughing. “I think Colonel Mustard did it in the Library,” he said in a surprisingly squeaky voice. He pulled out a collapsible baton, flicked it open, and slapped his palm with it for emphasis. He was clearly enjoying himself.

Matt looked nervously at each of them in turn, his brain refusing to process exactly what was happening. “What are you talking about?” Was Valerie really part of this? He looked at her hopefully and begged, “Don’t just stand there, do something!”

She walked over to him, bent over, and scolded him right to his face. “You lied to me and took my money Matt, and cheated me at that even, you tricked me so you could fuck me, and you planned to blackmail me on top of it,” she said. “Why should I help you? Because you’re the Mayor’s kid? He’s an even bigger prick than you are.”

Mason made a tight fist and thumped it into his palm with a smack. “You’ve pissed off the wrong people,” he said to Matt. “People who don’t like little shits fucking their daughters and hurting their feelings, stealing their money, and planning to blackmail them. We’ve been watching you for a few weeks. Now, you've finally fucked up and given us our golden opportunity."

Mason walked over to the desk and looked it over. After thinking a few seconds, he picked a drawer and opened it. “Well, well!” he said as he pulled out a pistol. “I won't be needing mine after all.” He carefully handed the pistol to Valerie, who examined it with interest.

“Colt 1911, 45 ACP,” she said. “Very nice! I've always liked these, they're so slim and sexy.” She held the Colt out with one hand, and squinted down the sights at an imaginary target. With a click of her thumb, she dropped the magazine into her other hand and checked it. “Impressive! 185-grain Gold Dot hollow points.” She shoved the magazine firmly back in with a click, racked the slide, and clicked the safety on. Matt gulped. Valerie smiled at him and assumed a two handed grip, her trigger finger out of the trigger guard and stretched along the barrel. “Locked and loaded,” she said.

Mason looked at Matt, shrugged, and said "Give her a gun, and she thinks she's Sgt. York." He started pacing. “Here's what we say happened. A young woman is house-sitting for a friend. Suddenly a man surprised her. ‘Might be a rapist,’ she thought. They struggled. She kicked him in the crotch, he fell. She ran into the library, trying to escape. She found a gun. He got up, hobbled after her. She got scared and shot him. There were no other witnesses.”

Dopey laughed again. “She shot him in the junk!” he squeaked.

Mason looked at Dopey and smiled. “Yes, that would be perfect. The rapist got his dick shot off. No jury would convict her.” He turned and looked at Matt. "And when I say 'off,' I do mean 'off'. With a .45 hollow point, Mr. Happy will fucking disappear. Half of your skinny ass will go with it, probably."

Matt started to whine. “Surely we can make a deal!” he wheedled. “I’ve got money! I know people!”

Mason looked at Dopey, and then at Valerie. “What do you think, Val?”

She looked at the desk. “There is a camera,” she said thoughtfully. “Maybe we can punish him instead, and teach him his place at the same time. He might be quite useful to us.” She picked up the camera from the desk and examined it.

“I say we shoot him,” Dopey pleaded. “Won't take near as long. Can I do it? Please?”

Mason spoke patiently, but firmly. “Please be quiet Carl. We must carefully consider all our options. Plus, it would be a shame to get bright red blood all over this expensive carpet. Matt thought the name 'Carl,' wasn't nearly as appropriate as 'Dopey.' 'Rocky' maybe, but not 'Carl.' Whoever heard of a thug named 'Carl?'

Carl sulked away and flopped into one of the leather chairs. “You never let me shoot anybody,” he grumped. Mason gave him a look and had opened his mouth, when Carl added, “Well, hardly ever.” He scratched one of his ankles with the baton and scowled. “I still say we plug him,” he muttered to himself.

Matt's almost fainted at the thought of a bullet shredding his groin. The idea was too horrible to contemplate.

Mason ignored Carl and continued. “If we keep him alive, I think judo boy here might pay good money to keep this unpleasantness from his Dad.” He looked at Matt with contempt. “We know you’re loaded. We wouldn’t want to damage your sterling reputation, would we? Might scare the ladies away.” He laughed again.

“You’d almost think we planned it this way,” Valerie added with a giggle. Valerie and Mason laughed together, as if they were sharing a private joke.

“What’s so funny?” Matt whimpered. Why did bad stuff always happen to him? he wondered. It wasn't fair.

Mason and Valerie huddled for a minute, whispering together. At one point Valerie started to laugh, then looked at Carl and covered her mouth. Finally, they appeared to reach an agreement. Matt thought briefly about making a break for it, but his pants were still around his ankles, Carl was keeping a close eye on him, and the other two had guns. Guns they knew how to use, evidently. For all he knew, Carl had a gun too.

“OK, here’s the deal,” Mason said, turning to Matt. “You're going to make a little video for us. Carl over there is very fond of men, even skinny-assed ones, and he will be in it with you. He likes getting blowjobs more than you even.” Carl perked up noticeably when he heard this.

“You wouldn't!” exclaimed Matt.

Mason grinned and said, “No, you will. You're not paying attention.” Matt broke into a sweat instantly as he saw Carl grinning at him.

Mason explained, “It’s your choice. You act a little scene for us, we keep the video, and you keep your slimy reputation. Of course, we’ll need your services in the future. Or if you prefer, Valerie, ...” he paused and gestured “... or Carl ... shoots your dick off. Of course, if you go along you have to pay us, say $10,000, for the privilege of staying alive. So make up your mind, we don’t have all day.”

“No fucking way am I giving you $10,000!” Matt said angrily.

Mason looked at Valerie and shrugged his shoulders. Valerie clicked off the safety, pointed the gun at Matt’s crotch, and smiled. “You chose unwisely,” she said.

Carl sat up and smiled. “Oh Boy! Let me do it! Can I do it?” He stood up and walked quickly over to Valerie, holding his hand out. "Come on, you got to shoot the last one!"

Mat jumped to his feet. “Wait! I'll pay it! Just put the gun away! Leave my Dad out of it!” he blurted, visibly shaking.

Carl plopped down in his chair again, with a bigger smile on his face. Matt thought for an instant he might throw up.

“Good decision, Matt” said Mason. Valerie clicked the 1911's thumb safety back on and put the pistol in the back of her waistband like she’d done it a thousand times before.

Mason pulled out a set of handcuffs and turned to Matt. “OK, judo boy, it's showtime. Off with your clothes, and keep your hands where I can see them,” he barked. Matt almost fell down in his hurry to comply. Mason turned to Carl and commanded, “Go get the rope.” Carl left for a few minutes, then returned with a coil of hemp rope.

“Did I mention Carl is a rope expert?” Mason asked. “Carl is very valuable, don’t you think Val?” Mason turned and looked at Valerie, and she blushed. Matt sensed he was teasing her about something.

Mason handcuffed Matt's wrists together, and Carl tied one end of the rope to the chain holding the two cuffs together. He tugged the rope and brought Matt to his feet, then led him across the room and threw the other end of the rope over the top rung of one of the library ladders. He started pulling the rope. Matt stumbled toward the ladder, trying to keep his feet as Carl quickly took the slack out of the rope. Soon Matt's arms were stretched upright until he stood on his toes, flush against the ladder. One of the rungs was right under his chin pressing his head up awkwardly.

Carl tied the rope off on one of the rungs of the ladder and stepped away. Matt was confused, yet somehow relieved when he realized that the threat to make him blow Carl was evidently a joke, or a ruse to scare him. What were they actually going to do? Maybe they'd leave him here this way until someone found him. How would he explain that?

Matt started to whimper, and his arms and wrists started to ache. Whenever his knees began to buckle, he felt like his arms would be pulled right out of the sockets. Mason offered, “It could be worse kid. Just be glad he didn't tie the other end to your nut sack.” Carl gave a sigh and blurted, “Rats! I didn't think of that.”

Valerie moved the camera somewhere behind him. “My,” she said. “You actually have a spankable ass!” She gave his ass a sharp slap. "Way better than 'almost spankable,' don't you think?"

Matt let out a groan. He finally realized what they had in mind, as she threw his own words to Susan earlier in the bar back in his face.

Valerie must have read his mind. “We know everything you said earlier tonight. You really should watch who you hang out with. Turns out your friend Bob has a big mouth. And just so you know, Susan the waitress is a friend of mine.”

“You all set me up!” Matt blurted, as he suddenly realized what was happening. Valerie walked over and stood right behind him. Matt could feel her body heat, she was so close to him, and his eyes grew wide with apprehension. “You don’t really live here, do you Valerie?”

Valerie shrugged. “Nope. Wish I did though. It's a really nice place. Oh, and just for the record, I know what fellatio is.”

Matt tried to turn his head towards Mason and the questions started to spill out. “Whose house is this? Why are you here? What are you going to do? What did I ever do to you?”

Mason threatened him. “Shut the fuck up, unless you want Carl to stuff your underwear in your mouth. Does the name Bernelli mean anything to you?”

Matt’s mind reeled, and he answered with a shaken voice, “Bernelli? No, should it?” In his imagination, he could sense Carl approaching, with his underwear in his hand.

Mason ignored him and continued his tirade. “Ever heard of Darlene Bernelli? I think you know her well enough. You tricked her and took $500 from her. And bruised her poor little delicate parts pretty bad too, even after she begged you to stop. You laughed at her while you paddled her. Does that ring any bells?”

“Never heard of her,” croaked Matt. To the end, he would lie to anyone, if he thought it might help.

Mason turned to Carl and ordered, "Go get her." Carl left and came back in a few minutes later with someone else. Matt could hear their footsteps as they approached. A different girl appeared next to him suddenly. He turned his head, to get a better look at her, and gasped.

“Remember me now?” she asked. Matt's heart sank. He hadn't seen her since the day he took her money and filmed her. In addition to the sex, he had given her a thorough spanking too, continuing long after she begged him to stop. He remembered teasing her about being her Master when she cried, how she had kicked her legs and bawled.

Now, here she was dressed as a Domme, wearing a maroon and black leather corset, with black, thigh high leather boots and stiletto heels that showed off her shapely legs and ass. Darlene was smiling as she patted her leg with a leather paddle. Matt felt his stomach flop over again. His arms were seriously aching.

“She told me her name was Erica Langley! Honest! I didn't know she was a Bernelli!” exclaimed Matt.

“My bad,” said Darlene.

Mason stared at Matt. “So it's OK to screw with people if you don't know their real name?” He sounded truly angry for the first time. Matt thought he might have been messing with his mind before just to frighten him, but now he wasn't sure.

Mason raised his voice another notch, his mouth inches from Matt's ear. “Though she is a personal friend, it's worse than you think. Her uncle is Bernardo Bernelli, and this is his house. We call him Mr. Bernelli, being as we work for him. Darlene wanted us to shoot you, but Mr. Bernelli wouldn't allow that. He thought you'd be more useful to us like this. There are 8 more unhappy ladies too, who are all waiting for their turn to get their revenge. Think about THAT.”

Matt felt sick as the light went on in his head. “THE Bernardo Bernelli?” Bernardo was rumored to have ties to the mob, and had helped Matt's dad get elected. He made frequent requests to the Mayor, which were never denied. Bernardo was not a person to screw with.

Mason continued his lecture. “That would be him. Turns out he’s most unhappy with you. He asked us to seek, shall we say, a sincere apology from you, as well as a refund of the young lady's money, with interest of course.”

Matt shouted, “I’m sorry! Let me go already. I'll pay her back! I've got the money.”

Mason shook his head. “Yes, you will pay her back. You'll pay them all back. But it’s just not going to be that easy. You're also going to find out what it's like to be spanked until you're black and blue. All the ladies you hurt, you'll get to apologize to all of them.”

Matt cried out, “You planned to spank me all along! You aren’t cops! You never intended to shoot me!”

Carl started to laugh. “He thought I would do it! What a putz.”

Valerie turned to Carl and said, “You would have done it, Carl. Give it a rest already.” Carl flopped back in the chair and started to sulk again, muttering to himself.

Mason looked at Valerie and shrugged. “Did I say I was a cop? Maybe he’s finally smarter than he looks.”

“Undoubtedly,” Darlene laughed. “But he’s not as smart as he thinks he is.”

Darlene walked behind him and patted him lightly on each butt cheek, giving each a little pinch in turn with her hand. “A little boney, but he’ll do OK,” she said. “I’ve seen better. What’s the penalty again for being an asshole?” she asked Valerie. “I forget.”

“200 strokes, I think.” Valerie turned to Mason. “Or is it 500?”

“I’m not sure,” Mason said. “I think a dollar a stroke is a good start. What did he steal, $4,500?”

They all laughed again, and Darlene placed the paddle lightly against Matt's ass and patted it playfully. She came close to him and put her mouth right next to his ear. He could feel her hot breath as she whispered, “Shall we begin, handsome? Are you comfortable? Do you need anything? Another beer perhaps?” She snickered, punctuating each sentence with a downward tug on the rope which caused him to squeal as it pulled his arms even higher.

“Enough talk,” said Mason. “It's time.”

Matt was sure he would faint. They all got quiet, and Matt could hear the clock ticking. Carl got up and came and stood right next to him, grinning. Matt could hear Darlene breathing softly behind him. Every sensation was instantly magnified as he felt Darlene remove the smooth paddle from his ass. Watching Carl’s eyes, he could see the pupils following the arc of the paddle as Darlene moved it back behind him. Carl’s eyes paused, then widened as he smiled with anticipation. Suddenly, Carl’s eyes jumped in the other direction and Matt heard the swish of the paddle. He inhaled sharply and felt his butt cheeks explode with fire as the paddle slammed into him. He jerked against his restraints.

“My God,” he screamed. “You’ll kill me!”

Darlene laughed again. “Oh no, lover boy. We have big plans for you. You're going to be a star!”

Hump Day Updates:

Sexual Health Benefits of Love and Romance.

Passion Flower

2012-02-14T18:24:00.000-05:00

For Valentine's Day, here's another sonnet I wrote in 2009 at Erotic Flash Fiction.

Passion Flower

To My Flower, Kallisto

Her lover nestled deep between her thighs,
To seek the fragrant object of his lust,
When merged as one she melted into sighs,
Entwined his hair, and urged him with her thrust.
Her flower opened wide before his greed,
As scratching whiskers grazed on tender skin,
And probing, nibbling teeth provoked her need,
To feel his tongue inflame her from within.
Her lust compelled her hungry loin’s desire,
To flood her tide onto his rocky shore,
Not quenching but releasing fevered fire,
Insatiable her need to be his whore.

And so there are no boundaries to their love,
Their passion is a gift from God above.

~

Happy Valentine's Day Sweetie! I love you!

Valentine's Day Updates:

Inappropriate Valentines, from the Bloggess
This week's Flash Fiction Friday challenge

Matt Makes New Friends (Part 1)

2012-02-13T16:53:00.001-05:00

This is my first attempt at writing a spanking fiction story. Thanks in advance if you make it all the way through. Thanks also to Kallisto for editing my fat fingering, and providing inspiration for some parts. This turned out a little darker than I anticipated it would.

“It’ll never work Matt.” Bob glanced around the bar nervously and leaned forward, elbows on the table. The music throbbed around them. “No girl in her right mind is stupid enough to fall for a scheme like that.”

Matt Darnell casually sipped his beer with a self-satisfied smirk. He couldn't believe Bob was questioning him again. “Au Contraire. Nine of them already have, Bob. I’m meeting number ten later tonight.” Matt was a legend in the making, in his own mind anyway.

“You’re shitting me!” Bob looked at him incredulously.

Matt leaned forward and stabbed the table top with his finger for emphasis. “I’m dead serious, Bob. They all paid me $500 up front too. I gave $3000 of it to the first one, just to keep them coming. It's perfect.” Matt had been spoiled ever since he was born, and was so used to hearing how wonderful he was, he actually believed it. The handsome son of comfortably wealthy, politically connected parents, he normally had little trouble getting what he wanted, even if he had to walk over someone to get it.

“You’ll be the Bernie Madoff of porn! People go to jail for doing that shit,” cautioned Bob. “You better know what you’re doing.” Bob looked around nervously.

Matt dismissed Bob's remark with a wave of his hand and drained his beer. Bob really was too stupid to understand, Matt thought. He decided he needed some better friends. They shouldn't be hard to find, with so many people sniffing around all the time trying to please him and get a piece of his action, not that he was inclined to share any of it.

“I do know what I'm doing. I’m always the smartest guy in the room.” Matt set the empty mug down with a clunk, and beckoned self-importantly toward the waitress across the room. He knew she had been watching him for the last 10 minutes. A lot of women watched him, and he liked it. He pointed imperiously at his empty mug.

The waitress scurried over, showed her best heart stopping smile, and replaced Matt's beer with another. Her nametag proclaimed she was “Susan!” Matt instantly decided she was stupid. After all, she was a waitress.

“Do you need somebody else?” she asked, then rolled he eyes with a nervous giggle. “I mean something else? Food maybe? We have wings,” she added helpfully. She smiled again. “They're really good!” She focused only on Matt, while Bob looked at her wistfully.

Matt gave a disdainful wave of his hand and said, “No, I’m fine. But you knew that. “ He looked her right in the eyes and said with a smirk, “Here’s the deal Susan. I’m too good for you.” He beckoned at his friend. “Even poor dumb Bob here is too good for you!” Susan started to reply, but Matt held up a finger and gave her the look, leaving her gaping in shock.

Matt looked Susan over quickly, and added “Though you have an almost spankable ass," emphasizing the ‘almost’ part derisively. “If we need somebody, I’m sure we can find somebody … how shall I put it,” he paused, and then continued, “a tad more attractive? If I need anything, I’ll call you. Until then, be gone with you until my beer is empty, if you want a tip.” He commenced ignoring her by flipping the back of his hand at her and turning his attention back to Bob

Matt laughed as Susan spun on her heels and strode away. Was she crying? Didn't really matter, he thought. Bob leaned his head towards the aisle and looked at Susan’s beckoning behind as she hurried away, then turned to Matt and raised his eyebrows. “You are one rude, f’d-up mother-effen dumbass. She’s pretty fine!”

Matt snorted. “Yeah, she’s almost sorta hot, probably more so to you I guess. You don't attract women like I do, so I can see how you'd be a little less picky about them. I was just messing with her. Women love that. Makes them want me more, if that’s possible. If not, screw her, there’s more where she came from.” Matt smiled inwardly at how clever he was. He really did need better friends.

Bob shook his head, though he’d heard it all before. “How many cons do you think you can get away with?” Bob paused for another sip of beer, not sure he wanted to hear Matt's answer.

“Besides blackmail?” Matt asked with a grin.

Bob’s eyes widened. “You’re blackmailing them too?” He sat back looking dumfounded and stared. This was too much, even for Matt.

“Sure, eventually.” Matt said. “That’s the whole point, dumbass. Get it all on video! They won’t want Daddy to see them with a dick in their mouth, they'd freak. 'Get paid to get laid,' that’s my motto.” He was almost convinced Bob was stupid now. How could he not understand how brilliant this all was?

Bob rolled his eyes. “And these women come to you because they really want to be porn stars?”

“Most of them. I put them through their paces.” He leaned forward and lowered his voice. “I convinced them that adult actresses had to get spanked a lot too. Some of them were shocked, but they all did it. So I spanked 'em all. Good and hard. After they have a blazing red ass, they really got hot, let me tell you. You should try it. Admit it, I’m a genius!” Matt looked pleased with himself.

Bob shifted uneasily in his seat, so fascinated by Matt's words that he momentarily forgot his beer. He leaned forward too and almost whispered, “Who are you going to spank and fuck tonight?”

Matt leaned back in his seat. “I don’t know this one. She’s some rich bitch, must be a friend of some of the others. Probably heard about me from them, has always wanted to get close to me like they all do, called me not 30 minutes ago, wants me to meet her at her place, blah blah. Parents are out of town. Lives in Barkwood.”

Bob immediately said “That’s high price real estate! So, you go to Mommie and Daddie’s hoity-toity community, you tell her you’ll make her an adult film star, and she screws you on film, after she gives you $500? And then you go peddle her film to adult film producers to make more money?”

Matt sighed. Could Bob really be this dense? “No, I told her she could audition to be an adult film star. A subtle difference. I tell ‘em I make a little video, maybe show it to some producers, and bazinga they’re porn stars. Maybe. I just forget the ‘maybe’ part sometimes.”

“Wait. You're telling me you don’t know any adult film producers,” Bob said pointedly.

“Of course not, stupid.” He gestured around the room. “Do you see any porno producers in here?” Bob actually started to look, then stopped himself.

Matt continued patiently. “I couldn't blackmail them if they actually became porn stars, could I? If they did that, everyone would know it, unless they performed with a bag over their head. Who wants to watch that?” He leaned back and visibly relaxed. “Anyway, it's their problem for being stupid enough to believe me. Good part is she won’t know the difference. Until long after I’ve banged her ‘n got her money too. Then the lucrative part starts.”

Bob appeared to be shocked by the absurdity of it. “Which happens when you blackmail her over the video that you made, after she paid you $500 to screw her. You are seriously fucked up.” Bob shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Four hours later, Matt was pulling his Jaguar into a large, circular brick driveway in front of the most imposing residence on the street. ‘These people must be loaded,’ he thought. ‘It’s perfect!’ He retrieved a leather bag from the back seat, strode to the porch, and leaned on the buzzer. The door opened almost instantly.

A stunning blond girl reached out, grabbed his wrist, and pulled him into the house before slamming the door. “Get inside, I don’t want anyone to see you!” she said anxiously. She glanced through the peep hole quickly. “Did anyone see you?”

“Relax,” Matt said. “It’s cool.”

She let out a sigh of relief, and stuck her hand out awkwardly with a straight arm, the way some women do. Matt accepted her timid handshake. Her hand felt smooth and cool; her fingers were slim and her French manicured nails were perfect.

“I’m Valerie,” she announced. “Valerie Romaine. I’m pleased to meet you, Matt.” She blushed and blurted, “I know who you are!”

“Well duh,” he sighed. “You’ve probably heard a lot about me,” he added expectantly, hoping to hear some words of adulation. She beamed at him, but didn't take the bait.

Matt looked her over, liking what he saw. She was fashionably but casually dressed, wearing expensive, form-fitting designer jeans, with just the right amount of tightness to accentuate her bottom, and a slinky silk top that hinted at firm, ample breasts. Strangely, she clutched a beaded purse in one hand, as if she had been on the way out. Matt decided it made sense, being as she had to pay him first and all. He decided Valerie was one of the more beautiful women he had met recently. She'd be a nice addition to his collection.

Matt chuckled inside at the awesomeness of his plan. She had called him to her house, and she was going to pay him to fuck him. And then, he was going to milk her for every dime she and her parents had. Which was a shitload of dimes, from the looks of it. ‘Life is sweet,’ he thought to himself.

“Follow me, please,” she said as she turned away. “There’s nobody else home. Daddy’s out of town at some lawyer thing and Mom is off partying with one of her boyfriends. She won’t be home until morning, unless they take off to Vegas in which case it could be days. Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“I thought we could, uh, talk in the library,” she said over her shoulder as she led the way down a marbled hallway. The walls were lined with family portraits of beautiful, moneyed people wearing fake smiles. She pointed out several other open doorways that led into opulent rooms and described what they were. One was a dining room, with at least 20 chairs around the table. Another was a billiard room with 4 pool tables in it. She finally stopped in front of a double set of intricately carved doors at the end of the hallway. Using both hands, she slid them apart with a grunt. “Here we are,” she said, pointing through the door with a perfectly manicured finger. “This is the library.”

Matt stared into the magnificently appointed room. It looked like something out of Masterpiece Theater, with stuffed leather chairs and a sofa or two placed strategically about the room. Each chair had its own mahogany side table with a brass reading lamp and a humidor on it, and there was a magazine rack on the other side within easy reach. Floor to ceiling shelves were stuffed with expensive, leather bound volumes. There were two large fireplaces. In one corner there was an antique globe at least three feet in diameter, with an old, weirdly distorted map on it. There was even a ladder on rollers for each wall, so you could climb up and get a book that was out of reach. And most of them were out of reach, as the frescoed ceiling was a good 30 feet high. A large mahogany desk dominated one end of the room, with a large oil portrait of a glowering man above it on the wall. Matt thought he looked familiar, but couldn't quite place him.

As she slid the doors closed, Matt looked around and gave a low whistle. “Somebody likes books,” he said.

“That would be my Dad. He’s a …” she pursed her lips, and looked like she was searching for the right word. “He’s … a lawyer, so he reads lots.” She looked at him uncertainly. “Me, I don’t have time for books and stuff. I’d rather do something more, uh, exciting with my life.” She tossed her hair. “Really exciting.” She grinned and showed another pearly smile.

“Wonderful. Let’s cut to the chase,” Matt said. “As I told you on the phone, I need to prepare an audition video to show some producer friends of mine in Las Vegas. They’re the tops in the business. If they like you, and I’m sure they will, you could be making 2 to 5 thousand dollars a week by next month as an adult film star.”

She giggled. “Sounds like fun!”

“There is a small matter of the up-front fee,” he added. “You know, production, editing, handling, yadda yadda. It’s quite standard in the business.”

She fished a rumpled wad of hundred dollar bills out of her purse and handed them to him. “That should be enough,” she said. He had the distinct impression she had not counted it.

‘God, she really is stupid,” he thought as he thumbed through the bills. He was right; there was $800 in his hand. Satisfied, he folded the bills and put them in his pocket. “All right then!” He gave her his trademark smile. “Let me get set up.”

He opened his bag and pulled out a miniature HD video camera and a small table-top tripod. Working quickly, he screwed the tripod into the base of the camera and put it on the desk. “The light in here is good enough,” he said looking around, though he really wasn’t sure. He examined the room, and then carefully placed the tripod on the desk and made a show of making sure it was pointed where he wanted. He actually had no clue what he was doing, but was pretty sure she had even less. She really was a dumb bitch, he thought. All the better for him.

“So what do I have to do?” she asked innocently.

to be continued Wednesday

Monday Updates:

Spanking Positions #3

2012-02-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

My two most popular posts to date have been the first two installments of my illustrated "Spanking Positions" series, which was inspired by Bonnie's Top Twenty Spanking Positions. The first two installments, in case you missed them, were:

Spanking Position #1 Over the lap at the edge of a bed or couch.
Spanking Position #2 Over the lap on a plain, armless chair.

Because they were so popular, I decided it's time to move on to Spanking Position #3!

Not on a bed, but it shows the basic idea.

Before I press on, I must say that today's photos show there are subtle distinctions between the first three OTK spanking positions, and it is not always possible to clearly categorize a particular photo into one or the other of them. It's important to note we're not judging figure skating or stamp collecting here, segregating and sorting things into their discrete little bins. The purpose of discussions like this is to plant seeds of possibly new spanking ideas in the minds of people who may be ripe for inspiration (and it makes a good excuse to show nice spanking pictures too, not that we need an excuse generally.) With a little effort, you can probably make up your own spanking position which is subtly different from all of these. If everyone is happy with the arrangement, and the right attention is focused on the right places, we're all happy. Or maybe not, which is the goal for some of us perhaps.

Spanking Position #3 is one Bonnie calls "Over the lap at the center of a bed." Her description of this OTK spanking variation follows:

In this variation, the spanker sits on the bed with legs extended and the spankee lies across his lap. This position works best when the spanker is positioned at the head of the bed and can lean back against a wall or headboard.

Almost OTK #1

Today's OTK spanking position of interest (not that they aren't ALL interesting) turned out to be a difficult one to find photos of. In fact, I didn't really find any that completely fit Bonnie's description, in that none of them have the spanker's legs extended.

My interpretation of the spankee "lying across the lap" is that their feet are on the bed, and not on the floor, which is the main distinction from position #1.

This position has much in common with OTK Spanking Position #1. Like all OTK positions, it is most suitable for hand spanking, or spanking with a short-handled implement such as a hair brush or a small paddle or slapper. Position #3 is generally another "low ass" OTK position (described in OTK #2), like OTK #1, in that the spankee's shoulders and butt are at more or less the same level by necessity.

Kallisto and I have some experience with this position, but not as much as with the first two. I prefer to follow Bonnie's advice, and sit against the headboard so that I have something to lean against. The problem with this position for me is that when I have my legs extended I tend to slouch, which makes it difficult to sit up. Extending my legs sends the "lean back and relax" signal to my brain. This is probably why I cannot sit on a couch, no matter how hard I try. I always end up lying on it. Probably for this reason we prefer one of the first two OTK positions, where I sit on the edge of the bed or in a chair.

A hair brush? My eyes aren't what they used to be.

The spanker in picture #1 is following the time-honored hand spanking OTK methodology, which is fast becoming my favorite. Since we started the New Year with our 2012 OTK spanking resolution, which was to achieve 50,000 OTK swats in 2012, my hands have really started to toughen up. We typically add to our total 4-5 days a week, with anywhere from 250 to 400 swats at a time.

Spanker #2 appears to be using a ping-pong paddle. I think a ping-pong paddle was one of the first types of paddle I ever bought with the intention of spanking Kallisto. I purchased one long ago, well before we actually entered our official "spanko" phase. Looking back on it, there was some seed of spankoness there; we just did not formally acknowledge it at the time. This photo is an example of "close but not quite" in meeting the description of the position also.

This young lady almost achieves a "high ass" position. Kudos!

Spanker #3 is using an interesting paddle, which looks like a kitchen implement of some kind. Kitchen implements often make wonderful pervertables, I think. I don't have a paddle that looks like this one, but I would like to give one a try. It seems to be making an appropriate impression on the young lady in question.

I particularly like photo #4, because the spankee has her pants pulled down. I find this very sexy for some reason. I also like the way the spanker is holding her hand out of the way; you can almost see the girl trying to reach back and stop the spanking with her hand.

The pulled down pants probably appeals to my childhood notion of what a spanking consists of in some way. For the same reason, I find spankings where the spankee (assuming it's a girl) is wearing a short flipped up skirt very erotic.

Photo #5 is really good and needs little comment. This my favorite of this batch. The pretty blond girl has a nicely arched back and is achieving a "high ass" position almost.

Photo #6 is interesting for several reasons. The spankee also has arched her back and achieved a near "high ass" position here as well. The spanker has her legs splayed out in an interesting fashion too, with one of them over the spankee's back. This is an interesting variation on OTK Position #4, The Scissor, which is coming soon (if I can find good photos for it).

At some point I suspect I will have to deviate from Bonnie's list, as photos for some are difficult to find.

Unfortunately I cannot remember where ANY of today's photos came from. If you would like credit for any of them, please chime in. I suspect that they can be found in numerous places, since the Tumblr spanking world seems to recycle the same images amongst various blogs.

Happy Spanking!

Sunday Updates:

Why it's probably not a good idea to show your dildo to the cops.
The Deep Throat Diaries.
OTK count +400 today.
Coming tomorrow: Matt Makes New Friends, Part 1. My first attempt at spanking fiction.

Sexy Ladies and Idiots from the Past

2012-02-11T15:53:00.000-05:00

It seems like just the other day I started this blog, even though I didn't really have anything to say. Now it's day 54! And I still have nothing to say, but I'm getting better at saying it, don't you think?

Last weekend Padme put up a cute post (Join the darkside and get a free cookie!) where she mentioned how she and Anakin had visited an antique store, and they "had some cool stuff from the 80s." Kallisto and I both got a tremendous hoot out of that. By that measure I have antiques hanging in my closet (not many, but some). And our kids are antiques too. All this passage of time probably explains why it's getting harder to get up in the morning, even with a cat yapping at me and trying to stick it's butt in my face. When a cat butt in the face doesn't make you move faster, you're getting older. If my cat lives another 5 years, it will be an antique too by that measure.

Just shoot me now.

So today I see in the paper that Tina Louise (yep, she's on Twitter too, "still living on an island" she says), of Gilligan's Island fame, is 78 years old today. When I read that I instantly aged about 10 years. Seems like just yesterday that I was speculating about Ginger's naughty bits and wondering if all the males on the island were truly insane. I was only 10 and I could see it. I wasn't exactly sure why they needed to get off the island in the first place, being as they had everything they needed. The Skipper got the food, the Professor provided the brains, Gilligan provided the comic relief, and Mary Ann and Ginger could have provided everything else, and possibly at the same time even, which would have been an epic episode. Mr. Magoo and his wife were extraneous in my book.

More my speed (at least my 1960's speed).

I never understood why they didn't know where they were, since everyone else seemed to know. A little research (the source for what follows) shows the castaways were visited by a pilot, a Japanese soldier, a gangster, a jungle boy, a surfer, the pilot (again), native tribes from nearby islands, an artist, a native family from another nearby island, an exiled dictator, Russian cosmonauts, a rock band, a wealthy socialite acquaintance of the Howells, a robot, a Howell impersonator, a spy masquerading as a ghost, a crazed scientist, a Gilligan impersonator who was really a Russian spy, a movie producer, a witch doctor, a butterfly collector, the crazed scientist (again), headhunters from a nearby island, a gambler/kidnapper, a Ginger impersonator (and they didn't jump her EITHER), a big game hunter, an actor pretending to be an ape-man, still more headhunters from another nearby island, a slave girl from a nearby island (another missed opportunity), and a King from a nearby island. And THEY all found their way off, and none of them took Ginger or Mary Ann with them to boot.

"Make a wish," she says. Right.

I must point out that while I found Ginger to be aesthetically pleasing in a variety of ways, Dawn Wells was the one who really made my 10-year old heart go pitty pat. She had a certain girl-next-door quality that I aspired to.

In those halcyon days there were a lot of seemingly oblivious men on television, "Tony Nelson" (Larry Hagman) being first on the list. Not only did he have a gorgeous woman (in a slave girl outfit no less) fawning over him, he could have had anything else he wanted too. Though if I had been him it would have taken a while to get around to anything else, if I ever had time to think of it.

I'd put Mary Ann and Jeannie over my lap any day of the week. Probably not in that order though.

Tony probably deserved to be put over someone's lap too. Like Jeannie's. That would have been another epic episode.

Another sign that Spanky is older. I miss the '60s.

Happy Birthday Tina, not that you'll ever see this.

Saturday Night Fever Update;

Coming tomorrow: Spanking Positions #3
Last week we earned $17.07 in EdenPoints browsing their site. Our current total is $47.37; time to start looking for something to spend it on. Maybe like this.

A Slave's Reward

2012-02-10T21:44:00.000-05:00

(Source image: "Offering" by Valery Bareta)

Without warning, a thunderbolt flew from the open window and lit up the clouds with a blinding flash. A louder roar bellowed.

“Agathon! Attend to me at once!”

The slave entered Zeus’ chamber, knelt, and pressed his forehead to the marble floor.

The God gestured disdainfully at the form on the bed. “This one displeases me. Bring me another, yet more beautiful!”

Agathon cradled the girl in his muscled arms, finding her to be as light as a feather. She flung an arm around his neck and trembled.

“At once, my Lord!” Agathon replied. As he inhaled her fragrance, his heart raced.

“Remove her from my sight! Do with her as you wish, AFTER you bring me another!”

Agathon smiled. “Yes, My Lord!”

This week's Flash Fiction Friday challenge was to write an erotic flash fiction inspired by the picture above, between 64 and 123 words, containing the phrase "... light as a feather ..." I haven't participated in a long time, and I thought it might be fun to give it a try. My effort does not fit the "Offering" theme of the photo, but there it is.

TGIF Updates:

Valentine Lingerie

Spankable Butt Panties

2012-02-09T22:27:00.001-05:00

I like to casually throw out the phrase "Spankable Butt Panties" now since someone Googled for that and came here.

Speaking of panties, the other night Kallisto and I were watching something immensely edifying on the tv, like "Pawn Stars" (I'm a Chumley fan) or "Swamp Loggers." She was in her recliner, and I was lying on the couch and reading my Kindle (Gallileo's Daughter, believe it or not).

Just then a commercial came on for an outfit that provides in-home health care and help for older people who need assistance. The name of the company is "Granny Nannies."

I was half reading and half watching the TV out of one eye, but not really paying attention to the TV, and when the logo of the company popped on the screen I glanced at it and my brain thought that it said "Granny Panties." (This experience was similar to seeing the magazine titled "Titties" in the bathroom.) Spanky's brain tends to interpret reality in terms of what it's thinking about in its dark recesses, and Spanky thinks about panties a fair amount although Granny panties not so much.

Then we had a conversation something like this:

Spanky: "I thought it said Granny Panties!" (Spanky likes to poke fun at himself, not that you've noticed I'm sure.)
Kallisto: "Goose." (One of her favorite expressions when I'm being dense.)
Spanky, trying to be funny: "Do you suppose they're nannies who ARE Grannies, or nannies FOR Grannies?"
Kallisto: "They're nannies FOR Grannies, silly!"
Spanky, living dangerously: "It's hard to believe that YOU'RE a Granny!"

Something like this would work.

and it sort of went down hill from there. I actually had the sense to stop before I pointed out that I could see the benefit of having a nanny of some flavor, though probably not a Granny nanny. I'm thinking more along the lines of a Swedish au-pair, or maybe a nice German one who could bring me my beer when Kallisto is busy. Ja.

I like to playfully tease Kallisto sometimes about being a Granny and wearing Granny Panties. I can get away with this line of attack, because (a) she can't accuse me of wearing "Granpda Panties," because there is no such thing, and (b) I know she won't tease me back because she's never teased me once in 30 years. I have to add for accuracy that she is the most "un-Granny" Granny I've ever met; sometimes she wears a thong, though not so much lately. If I could trade her for the Kallisto of 20 years ago, I don't think I'd do it because it would take FOREVER to train her again. I like her just the way she, thank you very much.

What reminds me of this story is that for the last couple of days I had been encouraging Kallisto to keep her panties on when she comes out of the bathroom for her nearly-nightly spanking. Generally she pops in to the bathroom first when it's spanking time, and then I go into the bedroom and sit on the bed waiting for her. This pisses off the cat, who is almost always asleep on the bed, and wakes up and gives me the "Give it a rest already!" look.

In the past she (Kallisto, not the cat) has always taken her panties off before coming out of the bathroom. I told her the other day I'd like her to leave them on, so I could play with them a little and experience the fun of sliding them off of her etc. She forgot to do it the next day, but tonight she came out and surprised me by remembering to leave them on. I think it added a little something extra, and I enjoyed it and coaxed a giggle or three out of her too when I maneuvered them off of her. There's something sexy about pulled-down panties, don't you think? Now I need to get her to start wearing cute panties like those Padme likes to show off on her blog sometimes. I have to believe Padme has the cutest collection of panties on the planet.

Personally, I think a butt in cute panties is often better than a cute butt without panties. And a cute butt in cute panties is epic.

Updates:

Another great Valentine's Day Gift: Edible Meat Underwear
I'm slowly figuring out how to use the paper.li thing at The Bright Bottom Bugle. I'll try it for a while, and then decide if I want to keep it up.
OTK +200
Fetish of the week: Narratophilia.

Spanking Keywords

2012-02-08T20:00:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago Bonnie turned me on (ha ha) to Google Analytics, and I've been using it since. One thing I like about Google Analytics is that it seems to keep a record of all the search terms that people use to find your blog, unlike StatCounter which only keeps those for the last 500 page views or so, and then they disappear.

Not sure I believe it

Google Analytics also shows you a list of top Google search terms that provide a result for your blog, and how many "impressions" you have for each. An impression is apparently the number of your pages that are presented as results to a search term, and not statements like "Spanky is a nut."

Interestingly enough, the search term Bright Bottom has the most impressions for, and by a 2 to 1 margin, is "Julie Bowen Naked," probably as a result of this. Tied for second are "Big Fanny" and (surprise!) "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob," the latter of which I actually posted about once, so at least I can understand it.

I'm not sure why "Julie Bowen Naked" leads to Bright Bottom a lot, since I have never used the term "Julie Bowen Naked" in a post, not that "Julie Bowen Naked" is not an interesting concept, if not a potential thesis topic.

I'm starting to see enough traffic that people wander in to Bright Bottom from Google in interesting ways. Below are a few of the more interesting Google search terms that led people here, along with my comments. While these are not as wacky as Bonnie's, some of them are amusing:

funny love muff diving - Soon to be offered by Carnival Cruises.
topless slave leia - Inkabunga!
he spanked my wife and she liked it - On the B side of "Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye."
life is good blowjob - Kallisto's next needlepoint project.
21 milf spank - Around the corner from 17 Rue de Butt.
hand up the vagina fail - Look Ma, no hand!
happy blowjob - Even better than Kung Pao Doggie.
tumblr show your penis - Frankly, I don't really want to see Tumblr's penis, but thanks for asking.
this person likes to eat pus sign - Sometimes one letter makes all the difference.
spanking art alex - for $200.
eating pussy caption* - How about "Breakfast of Champions"?
submissive women on night out - Maybe they go bowling?
big vagina illusion - Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear.
show pictures of all spanking positions - NOW!
ancient china panties - What the terracotta warriors were wearing, probably.
sneek-a-peek sex position - Made you look!
spanked pizza babe - She'll be there in 30 minutes NEXT time I bet.
spankable butt panties - What other kind of butt panties are there?
sexy spankys - Thank you! You're in the wrong place.
penis paint - What Benjamin Moore does on the weekends.
big fanny - Let's not go THERE again.
swan sex porn - And I didn't know swan's could type.
black swan porn - Spanky's all about equal opportunity for swans.
stephmothers otk spanking blog - Let's leave Steph and her mother out of this.
spank my mom - Let's not and say we did.
her spankable bottom - The soap we've been waiting for.
erotich blowjob - The new way to scratch.
r/search/label/outdoor%20spanking - r/say%20WHAT?

Hump day updates:

How to Turn Me On, by Rachel Kramer Bussell
When does sex and relationship boredom begin? (It hasn't happened to us.)
Undercover cop in UK chases himself.
Only in Florida: Judge orders man to take his wife on a date.

The Kneeling Wife

2012-02-07T19:15:00.001-05:00

I have a couple of posts in the works, but none of them are quite ready yet (don't say what you're thinking). So I'm going to replay an old post from several years ago. The good news is that this particular post is finished and ready to go! The bad news is that it is another "erotic" poem. If you're not an erotic poetry buff (and if you're not why not?) just scurry over to my sidebar and start clicking furiously on my blog and butt picture links instead, and I'm sure you'll find something to your liking. Or try out "The Bright Bottom Bugle" either using the tab at the top or by hopping right over to it. It changes every 12 hours, and contains Twitters that contained the hash "spanking," some of which are things I found interesting and retweeted. It still doesn't work the way I want it to, but technology and butts don't always mix seamlessly in my experience.

This is a sonnet I wrote on Erotic Flash Fiction in November 2009. It's in the Italian Sonnet form, which I don't particularly like, but I'll try anything once and some things several times as Kallisto will be quick to point out. This post alludes to spanking at least a little bit, but probably alludes to blowjobs a lot more. I made a couple small changes.

The Kneeling Wife
for Kallisto

A kneeling wife with one desire to please
whose burning cheeks reveal her inner flame,
she pushes past the boundary of her shame
and murmurs sighs of joy poised on her knees.
As one hand reaches 'round with loving squeeze
the other dances and she starts the game
of sliding lips that spark his building flame,
until she makes him groan with practiced ease.

Her vision and her memory haunt his mind
to play again her each and every sound,
her clutching grasp and endless throbbing moan.
Their flesh is destined soon to be combined
his focus on her perfect, shaven mound,
to savor her again, the best he's known.

Wait there's more, Tuesday Edition:

Bring your sexy back: 5 reasons women need to read erotic romantic literature.
Kink: How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?
This week's Flash Fiction Friday challenge at Erotic Flash Fiction.
I have 69 Twitter followers now. Too bad I can't freeze at that number. OTK count is up 310.
Need the perfect dish for your Valentine's Day Dinner? Bull testicles pie probably isn't it.

Figging from the Past

2012-02-06T21:30:00.001-05:00

Padme recently wrote a blog post titled "Figging and playing on the darkside," which was very interesting, especially the part where she said (it)

What about this doesn't shout, "stick me up your bum?"

"... made me feel like my ass was on fire!"

which sounds like a ringing endorsement if I've ever heard one.

If you're not familiar with the term, Figging is (per Wikipedia):

the practice of inserting a piece of ginger root into the anus, vagina or male urethra. Originally applied to horses in a practice known as gingering, it now most commonly refers to a practice in BDSM. The ginger, skinned and often carved into the shape of a butt plug, causes an intense burning sensation and discomfort to the subject.

Which brings to mind the lost "Mr. Ed" episode:

Wilbur, singing: "... Stuck a ginger up his butt and called it macaroni!"
Mr. Ed: "WILLLLLBURRR!"

You can read more about figging ~~at your local library~~ at

Figging Italian style

In case you might still have the impression that shoving a spicy ginger root up your caboose is all flowers and kittens, it's not. As "Figging gone wrong" describes. The operative bit of that post, if you don't want to go read it, is

"But the procedure went awry when the “fig” in question disappeared, vacuumed into Mason’s butthole as if her ass were a hungry little mouth"

which proves the old adage that it's generally not a good thing when "ass" and "vacuumed" appear in the same sentence. As Figging: The Ginger Experience says,

The technique is one that does however take some forward planning ...

which is good advice for any activity involving sticking stuff up your bum, particularly stuff that might burn like Dante's 9th circle of hell.

Kallisto found out about this practice somehow, and was curious enough about it (she enjoys anal stimulation) to talk me into trying it (on her). So several years ago, we did exactly that, and it worked out well as I recall, though we only tried it a few times. She (Kallisto) blogged about her experiences on our old blog, Spanky Loves Kallisto, which alas is no longer around.

We primarily had experience with the anal variety of figging, though some of her other naughty bits were tangentially involved. Based on my recent experience with Atilla, my Urologist, I can assure you that I would rather shove a roll of quarters up my nose than put a ginger root into my "male urethra."

Padme's post reminded me that several of Kallisto's posts about our figging experiences had been quoted online. I put my Google-Fu to work and found both of them pretty easily at Figging: Anal Discipline. And here they are, living proof that anything you say online can and may be used against you some day:

Here is her first post:

Hummm, Monday. What a day! Spanky reminded me that I had mentioned ginger root, so we decided that this was the day.

I chose a ginger finger that had been kept at room temperature. After peeling it, we went right to “work”. I don’t think Spanky even rinsed it after it was peeled, but I am not sure—I was otherwise occupied! It was gently inserted into the appropriate opening, where it promptly brought on the familiar burning sensation. I think it is a little bit more intense than when used right from the fridge, but I can’t swear to that. I don’t think the difference is enough to be a significant factor though, and I think that whether at room temperature or from the fridge, it will still do the job. I am not sure why so many of the sites recommend soaking the root in cold water. I do know from our first try with ginger that long soaking definitely ruins the effect that the ginger would normally have. Since then, we have not let it soak more than a few minutes, and that seems to work fine. Not soaking the root at all also works fine, at least it does for us.
Spanky commenced with the spanking, stopping the action now and then to twist the ginger root around. Sometimes this heightens the effect, sometimes not. I am not sure I can pinpoint the circumstances which dictate what the results will be. I do think that if you can get as straight a finger as possible, it helps. It does feel rather funky when an especially bumpy or curved finger of ginger is rotated. Eventually Spanky removed the ginger and finished up the spanking, and we moved on to the other fun parts of our morning adventure! It was a morning of thorough spanking, awesome sex, a great “buzz” and when it all ended, we were both fully sated and very happy.

Since this post is a little long, I'll save the second one for another day.

Kallisto hasn't mentioned figging in a long time. Perhaps it is time to try it again?

Back from the Salt Mines, Monday Edition:

4-year old asks Santa for toilet.
Ke$ha (whoever that is) makes her assistant wear a penis outfit.
In case you missed it: Bondage positions for spanking at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds, and Padme's Hearts Leather Ankle Restraints review.
I'm finding more uses for Twitter; check out my link to The Bright Bottom Bugle from the new tab at the top. It's a curated feed of Twitters hashed as #spanking, #erotica, or #bdsm.

Spanking Positions #2 Redux

2012-02-05T14:31:00.001-05:00

The red bits of this "low ass" are higher up.

"Redux" means "Spanky is not done blabbering about that yet."

Yesterday I put up the second installment of my illustrated review of Bonnie's Top 20 Spanking Positions. The first installment was the OTK at the edge of a bed or a couch, and yesterday's post was about the OTK on a plain armless chair.

In my second post I made a distinction between what I called "low ass" and "high ass" OTK positions. I came up with those names because (a) they are descriptive and (b) I like to say "ass" a lot. (Not necessarily in that order).

To review, the main difference between the two positions is the relationship between the spankee's shoulders and their spanky bits. If their shoulders are higher (or even) with their butt, I consider that a "low ass" position. On the other hand, if their shoulders are lower than their butt and the butt is elevated, I call that a "high ass" position. The OTK at the edge of a bed position tends to be more of a "low ass" position (but not always) and the OTK on a chair is more of a "high ass" position (but not always).

I bring all this up, not just so I can say "ass" some more, but because Bonnie made an important point in her comment to my post. Here is the relevant part of what she said:

It's an interesting paradox that the position you refer to as "high ass" OTK tends to result in more of the blows falling on the lower half of the target and vice versa. My sampling is admittedly not scientific, but I have a lot of observations!

After reflection, I think she is absolutely correct. In my opinion, she is right because in the "high ass" position, the surface of the target tends to be more horizontal, and in the "low ass" position, the surface of the target tends to be less horizontal. I think the lower half of a more horizontally oriented butt is more readily accessible.

What we're aiming for

My natural spanking motion when I have an OTK target is to spank at a downward angle from the right. With a more "high ass" (whee!) oriented target, my hand seems to fall naturally on the lower part of the butt, just above where the butt meets the leg. In the other case, when Kallisto's back is more horizontal and her spanky bits are oriented more up and down, I have to spank more horizontally and from the side to reach the same area, which is a less natural motion to me. If I use the same motion as in the first case, the blows fall more on the upper half of the bottom.

In my opinion spanking on the lower half of the target is vastly preferable because that part of the hiney seems to be more sensitive, and more importantly it is safer for the person being spanked as it avoids the upper part of the butt. As usual, Bonnie explains it best in her excellent post The Female Bottom: an Owner's Manual:

For safety and a more enjoyable spanking experience, keep those love pats on the spanking surfaces illustrated above. Whacks delivered on the hips, legs, or too high on the bottom can injure bones.

I like to compare the top of the "red spot" to the top of the "crack," position-wise. Ideally, the red bits should be lower down and not even with the top of the crack. (Look at the first photo again, and compare the spanked bits to the "perfect" target shown above.)

Now for an extreme example of a "low ass" position (so extreme this looks "set up" to me.) It's not difficult to see that the spanker is going to have a more difficult time applying his belt to the lower bits of this butt, especially given his angle of attack (but it could be done if done carefully).

Below is a less extreme "low ass" example, in which the target area is also a little higher than the "perfect" target shown above, and more towards the top of the vertical smile then I would prefer. Also, notice how her leg almost begins to cover the part I would like to be aiming at.

Of course, all this is just my opinion and your mileage may vary. I don't consider myself an expert by any stretch.

(All photos in this post were found at The Irish Monocle, because (a) he has great photos and (b) I was too lazy to look anywhere else, since I was confident I would find what I needed there.)

Sunday Updates:

Since December 2nd, I've earned $222 worth of EdenPoints just by browsing their site. You can earn $2-3 each day in less than 10 minutes. We used them to buy our Liberator Flip Ramp. You could earn an Impressions love paddle in less than 2 weeks.
OTK + 400
Raspberry Scratch-n-sniff blue jeans. Really.

Spanking Positions #2

2012-02-04T17:03:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago I put up an illustrated post about the first of Bonnie's Top Twenty Spanking Positions. That post has turned out to be my most popular, based on the number of page views.

So it's high time to review position #2 on Bonnie's list. Here it is, together with her comment about it:

#2. Over the lap on a plain, armless chair – This classic position is overrated. The woman must support herself with hands and toes. This balancing act distracts from the more important matter at hand.

Spotted at Please Spank My Perfect Bottom, Sir.

Over at Pacific Force, Jaqueline Omerta lumps this spanking position together with Bonnie's #1 spanking position, which was "Over the lap at the edge of a bed or a couch," under the catch-all "OTK Spanking."

"High Ass", from Thomas' Spanking Exploits.

We also prefer Bonnie's #1 OTK spanking position, and don't use this variation nearly as much. Having said that, I'm not convinced it's overrated though. When we have used it, it's usually been when Kallisto was getting a discipline spanking. Lately we've taken to using our studded leather paddle to deliver her discipline spankings, and today's position under discussion is not amenable to using a longer-handled paddle since the spankee's bottom is so close at hand (ha ha). On the other hand, a shorter-handled paddle or brush works quite nicely as shown below. Of course short-handled implements are de rigueur (French for "My hand hurts") for all OTK spankings.

Today's OTK spanking position does make a good discipline position for good, old fashioned, bare-handed OTK punishment. Because, as Bonnie notes, the position is not particularly comfortable for the spankee, since they have to balance on tip toe and on their hands (shown well by the picture with the spanking professor here). I've noticed that Kallisto often rises to the tips of her toes when we use the OTK at the edge of a bed too (she says she'll slide off otherwise though I doubt that). I think a more likely explanation is that this position is difficult on the tendons in the back of the ankle unless the spankee is extremely flexible.

"#2 but low ass," from OTK Spanking Diary

I believe OTK positioning can also be categorized as having a "high ass" or "low ass" presentation, which differ by whether the spankee's ass is higher or lower than their shoulders. The first picture above is an example of "high ass." Today's position often allows more of a "high ass" position than the #1 position, because the spankee's ass is often (but not always as we will see) really accentuated and raised up when she/he puts their hands full on the floor, if the distance to the floor is far enough.

Today's position allows the spankee to lean forward and downward as far as they want (or don't want), and really raise their butt up. Personally, I find an ass presented for spanking this way to be particularly appealing. The #1 OTK position is often (but not always) more of a "low ass" position, where the spankee's body is supported by a bed or sofa, and obtaining a "high ass" is generally more difficult if not impossible, regardless of how high from the floor the seating arrangement is, and the spankee's upper body remains more parallel to the floor.

"High Ass," from Spanking Pixie

There are subtle variables in all OTK positions that affect the angle of attack (i.e. the degree of high or low ass presentation.) These include exactly which part of their anatomy the spankee chooses to rest on the spanker's lap (i.e. whether they put they abdomen or their pelvis in contact with it, or somewhere in between), how many legs they rest over (i.e. how "flat" the lap is, and if using both legs to what degree the spanker keeps their knees together.)

I like to have Kallisto lie right to left across my left leg only, and I sometimes wrap my right leg around her legs to hold her in place, not that she's going anywhere. A main difference between the #1 and #2 positions is that the second one, in my opinion, offers a little more flexibility in choosing angle of attack (or degree of ass presentation) than #1. On the other hand, #1 is more comfortable. Whether the spankee or the spanker gets to make these decisions, or whether they are mutual, depends on the overall objective of the spanking and is part of the fun.

While OTK position #2 is most often associated with a straight-backed chair without arms, the next example, found at The Irish Monocle, shows a variation where the spanker is sitting at the corner of a bed. This arrangement allows the spankee to assume the position diagonally and still keep both their toes and hands on the floor (if the bed is of appropriate height.) The bed allows the spanker's butt to be nice and comfy, in direct opposition to the spankee's butt, which is also nice here, but not as comfy. In this case the spankee's ass is not as raised up, due to the arrangement. It might have been though, if the spankee had chosen to lean more forward (perhaps lying over just one leg), and put their hands flat on the floor. In this case, the spanker has her knees more widely separated than the professor above (e.g.. his feet are nearly together unlike the girl below), which makes the spanker here's lap "flatter," which contributes to the "low ass" result.

A short-handled paddle or brush works well here. This is more "low ass."

Here's another F/F version of this OTK position, this one courtesy of Strictly Spanking, and also showing good use of a short-handled spanking implement, where the spankee is far forward and has a very upward accentuated ass. This is what I think of as a classic "high ass" presentation:

We close with a "Two for One" special. (Unfortunately I've forgotten the source.) Girl #1 here has chosen a more parallel "low ass" position, because her stomach is across the lap and she is not leaning forward at all. Girl #2 is breaking the rules by taking her hand off the floor, so she deserves some extra swats. This photo also shows a little gratuitous boob, which doesn't hurt thought it's not what I'm after.

Weekend Updates:

Last night we took an OTK break, but we're still on track to meet our OTK resolution.
I'm pleased to report that our new Liberator Flip Ramp makes a perfect base for our Sybian (yes, we have one) which allows us to use the Sybian again with much less stress on Kallisto's knees. A most excellent development.
I've added a lot of new links recently in the left sidebar, so please check them out. Eventually they will get sorted out into their proper places.
Cops bust naked burglar covered with peanut butter. And chocolate.
This is very funny. The Bloggess cracks me up.

Erica and Hermione

2012-02-03T19:20:00.000-05:00

That would be me.

Alert readers have probably noticed that Spanky is grammatically challenged.

One grammar rule I will try to follow from now on is the use of the serial comma, more popularly known as the "Oxford comma," the name I prefer because "Oxford comma" is more pretentious, since "Oxford" connotes "brains." (And ugly shoes, but that's not important.)

In case you slept through that day in school, like I did because I just learned it, the Oxford comma is:

used immediately before a coordinating conjunction ... preceding the final item in a list of three or more items. (source)

Without the Oxford comma, you can write potentially misunderstood statements, like

"Many of my readers would like to spank Kallisto's butt cheeks, Erica and Hermione."

This statement might lead you to think one of Kallisto's butt cheeks is named "Erica" and the other one "Hermione," which would be ridiculous. They're actually named "Beany" and "Cecil."

What I meant above was obviously

"Many of my readers would like to spank Kallisto's butt cheeks, Erica, and Hermione."

Which is altogether different, imminently sensible, and probably true too. And grammatically incorrect, as Hermione points out in my comments. I told you I was grammatically challenged.

Weekend Updates, Friday Edition:

Half of women would rather give up sex than gain 10 pounds. Not in my house.
Naked Cricket down under.
You could be a Brothel Inspector. Really.

Spanking Sonnet

2012-02-02T19:35:00.000-05:00

Alone she stands, her hands upon her head

and listens in the corner as the clock

ticks quietly, as she awaits the dread

which fills her quickly when she hears his walk.

"Alas," he says, "You've failed me again,

Your attitude is causing me great pain!

It makes me the unhappiest of men,

you truly must want me to go insane!"

"Not true!" she cries, but before she can add

more words, or add another useless, "Please!"

"Be still!" he barks, "and don't add worse to bad!"

and yanks her panties down below her knees.

Much later she floats high above her pain,

Quite pleased her bratitude was not in vain.

That was inspired by one of Erica's recent posts where she talked about her "bratitude" which I thought was a good word, so I told her I would try to write something using it. And I couldn't think of anything funny so there it is.

I'm home from the salt mine, Thursday Edition:

We finished January with 6955 OTK swats, which works out to just under 225 per day, or on course for just over 82,000 for the year. I'm happy to say I no longer feel like 'Edward Sissyhands.'
How not to shoplift tarantulas.
Like I needed to see THIS link: Reese Witherspoon shows sexy side. I wasn't aware there was any other side, actually.
Tonight's OTK count was 300.

Girl Penises and Fun with Smells

2012-02-01T20:49:00.000-05:00

The one with the penis

Here's another example of the strange, circuitous way my brain works when I'm thinking.

Last week I was watching "2 Broke Girls," and while I was admiring the blond, who has nice legs though she is a tad skinny, somebody asked Max, the brunette, squeezable, smart-ass one, whether she had a penis. She responded along the lines of, "Yes, I keep it in my drawer."

Before she said that my brain had wandered to thinking about whether or not Max would make a good domme (verdict: absolutely) and whether she was spankable (probably) but after she made that remark I started thinking instead about women with penises.

Which brought to mind a recently famous transgendered person, whose name used to rhyme with "Bastity Chono," because it occurred to me suddenly that she perhaps actually HAD a penis, and not in her drawer most likely, or she'd probably have asked for a refund by now and been on ET. Though technically she's not a "she" any more. (Update: Kallisto informs me she's not sure if Chaz has actually had the surgery or not, so I could be wrong about the whole penis thing. Google results on Chaz's penis or lack thereof are inconclusive. But the principle is the same.)

And thinking about him/her reminded me suddenly of a time, quite a few years ago, when I was sitting around with some friends listening to a radio talk show, which featured a couple of assclowns who talked about stupid stuff trying to be funny (i.e. like I write).

Suddenly the radio guys started going on about a certain celebrity lesbian (now our transgendered friend) who had just announced her new fragrance line. One of the guys I was with said, "I wonder what that smells like?" and I suggested, "Tuna fish?" As soon as I said it the guy on the radio announced, "She probably calls it 'Chicken of the Sea'." And we all yucked it up. I wish I could be paid to be an assclown.

And after I was reminded of the tuna fish story, I was inspired to write the limerick below (so now is your last chance to skip straight to my spanking photo links). I note for the record that my motivation for this limerick, besides the train of thought above, if you can call it that, was a certain actress who I have mentioned several times in previous posts.

Anyway, here we go:

There once was a pretty young movie star
With lots of men ogling from afar
Young Spanky would wonder
If he could go under
and tickle his nose in her sushi bar
~

Now is probably as good a time as any for this:

Chaz is on Twitter too, so check ~~her~~ him out.

Updates:

Keira Knightley thinks the English "obviously like spanking" (video interview).
On the terrifying animal penis front, spider's detachable penis finishes without him.
Audio spanking erotica at Lusty Lady
Our new Liberator Flip Ramp is here!
OTK count +250

Spankable Sports Booties

2012-01-31T20:53:00.001-05:00

I found a great post about the best butts in sports over at Another Country, which included a hot picture of volleyball butts. This topic inspired my butt-seeking Google-Fu, which homed in on The 50 Most Spankable Booties in Sports at Bleacher Report l~~ike a crotch-sniffing Labrador~~.

There's a lot more than 50 Bottoms on Bleacher Report's list, since it also includes at least one pair of twins, the Laker Girls (can't argue with that), the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders (also a discriminating choice), and Brazil Beach Volleyball. Obviously there is a possible connection between volleyball and spankable bootie. I'm frankly surprised we haven't had a Congressional fact-finding commission to investigate it, and in Brazil at that.

After careful perusal of all the butts in detail, and some of them several times, I arrived at the conclusion that a number of the Bleacher Report's choices are dubious. Why? Because some of the butt owners are only tangentially related to sports.

Like Jennifer Lopez, who barely qualifies because she is just a part owner of the Miami Dolphins and is not an actual professional sports-participating personage. Though she might be "overqualified" in the bootie department to make up for it, which is the most diplomatic way for me to describe her in the derriere department. Jessica Simpson, another sports butt honoree on the list, has nothing at all to do with sports that I am aware of. She also doesn't do much for my bootie meter either. Spanky is very particular about his booties, especially when judging them for prestigious awards.

Meanwhile, the USC Song Girls are nowhere to be found on the list, which proves the list is highly questionable IMO, as the photo above attests.

Another prime candidate who isn't on the butt list is Erin Andrews, the ESPN reporter of naked peephole fame. If you Google "Naked Peephole" (and who hasn't done that?) she's first on the list, which makes her an All Star of some flavor. Bleacher Report's oversight of her obvious qualifications surprises me. Googling "Erin Andrews Butt" also gives more than 11,700 hits. Not that I would know.

Following the example of Bleacher Report, I'm offering up an entire Armored Battalion of sports-related spankable booties all at once, with this stunning refutation of the American perception that soccer (as we call the sport on this side of the pond) is boring.

At least my All-Bootie team is actually showing their booties:

This lineup is as good as it gets, end to end.

Note: I added reaction buttons beneath each post (at Kallisto's suggestion), so you can laugh, or thumb your nose at me, without actually having to bother to leave a comment. Now you can withhold commentary and lurk two different ways.

Wait, there's more, Tuesday edition:

Here's a sports bootie I overlooked! Danika Patrick.
Dana Kane's tumblr. Go there now.
I've added a number of other new links in the last few days. Check them out!
I've just noticed that the referral spammers "asswipes.ru" or whatever their name was are no longer showing up in my referral stats. Good riddance.

iSpank

2012-01-30T19:36:00.003-05:00

As election 2012 approaches here in the US, we are constantly reminded that there are a lot of important questions that must be addressed, the most important of which in my mind is "If they're so important, why didn't you address them LAST year?"

And of course, "Why would I vote for someone dumb enough to interrupt me during dinner by calling me on the phone and saying 'Vote for me because my opponent is a doody-head. And possibly wet the bed until he was 9." They're probably thinking, "We better call, just in case he hasn't seen one of our 237 television commercials," or they hope we follow the time-honored American tradition of taking important advice from total strangers. At least the phone callers come with the luxury of us being able to yell at them after they annoy us.

But we (i.e. Kallisto) now skip ahead to yelling at them BEFORE they annoy us, and without the minor detail of actually picking up the phone, thanks to the miracle of "caller id on the television screen" whose inventor should get a Nobel prize, or maybe we should vote for HIM instead. And if we can see a caller's phone number remotely, why can't we have better technology to express our aggravation towards annoying people long distance? I'd like the ability to spank them over the phone, or at least be able to tase them or something.

And why not? If they can invent a device that you can hook to your computer to pretend you're having sex with a video girl (like this, and for only $250!) I think there would be a market for long-distance, interactive spanking devices. Something like this, perhaps:

While I like the idea of being struck on the "kazabo" with the accompaniment of a .32 caliber "loud report," and accompanied by a "good current of electicity" to boot, I think modern technology could offer certain improvements.

Maybe person A could lay over a USB compatible mechanical lap, complete with mechanical paddle hands, at one end (ha ha), while the person at the other end clicks furiously on a web-cam provided image of his/her fanny (please, let's not go there again) with their mouse while yelling into the microphone, "Whose been a bad girl then?" Dana could save a bundle on house calls once they perfect the technology.

It would be a small step to making an app for that too, so the spanker could spank the spankee, who could be far away, perhaps in Ipanema, while enjoying a beer on his sofa at the same time, or even better a beer and a blowjob.

Possibly with a real person even.

Here I go again, Monday Edition:

I bet no one can explain this picture.
I found Dana's Tumblr blog! Yippeedoodle!
Surprise! Celebs get paid for doing nothing.
Spanking Tube
We're on a 1-day OTK break. We're way over quota for January, so we decided to pace ourselves.

Smut Backing

2012-01-29T19:16:00.000-05:00

Not too romantic

You might think that finding something to blog about every day would be hard, but living with Kallisto is the gift that keeps on giving.

Kallisto has a ratty old shirt that she likes to wear when she exercises, and I've told her repeatedly I'm not particularly fond of looking at it, partly because it has holes in it. And I don't mean "Hey Sailor!" holes, but "Hungry puppies have been here" holes.

But mostly I'm tired of it because it has an annoying cartoon character on it. I say "annoying" because this character, while perfectly fun to look at during an actual cartoon, is not a cartoon character who springs to mind at lustful moments.

Better

Like Ariel. Her I could look at during sex, even if she is just a cartoon. Ariel is pretty hot for a fictional girl, other than the whole not having legs part, though she does have arms, which means that while she has arm pits she doesn't have a leg pit which is unfortunate in my book. Though mermaids do propagate, even if fictionally, so there must be some arrangement for the whole mermaid in-and-out thing. Unless they lay eggs and spawn like salmon, which would be gross but wildly popular in Japan most likely. But she has great red hair and a sexy singing voice, which is worth a lot in my book.

I'm especially not fond of standing in front of her (Kallisto, not Ariel) and looking DOWN at the other cartoon character, the one on Kallisto's ratty shirt, because he has evil eyes, and I don't like them staring up at me while she (Kallisto again) is engrossed in doing something else. Like me.

So the other night as she settled across my lap for our OTK spanking, I noticed she had that shirt on again. I told her I was not particularly happy about it, especially because just a few days ago I had told her I didn't want to see it again. And here it was, mocking me with its creepy eyes. I had persuaded her once to purchase a few cleavage friendly tops to wear, so her boobs could stare at me instead, but she hasn't worn one in a while.

I'm reminded now of the time, not long after we were married, when I kept after her to buy some new bluejeans, and she kept putting it off. So one day I drug her to the floor, pulled them off her legs, and went outside and locked them in the trunk of the car (the pants, not her legs). As I recall that strategy worked, at least in that she eventually got new pants although I think she got pissed off too but my memory isn't what it used to be.

But I didn't think of that solution the other night. After she settled in on my lap ~~for a long winter nap~~, I skipped the usual butt rubbing ritual and got directly to the task at hand (ha ha). I make her count to herself and tell me the count every 50 smacks, partly so that I can double check my own counting, and partly because it gives her a chance to screw the counting up, and she almost always messes it up, which gives me an excuse to scold and spank a little more, as if I needed one.

She didn't disappoint and managed to forget to tell me the count at least once. And she said "50" instead of "100" when we got to 100. And when I got to 200 she didn't say anything, which annoyed me more, so I stopped and waited and then she blurted it out. I was sufficiently irritated that I got a leather paddle from our trunk nearby and gave her another 50 or so, but I didn't keep track of those since they don't count toward our OTK resolution, for which I only keep track of the spanks with my bare hand. She was glowing pretty good by the time we were done.

Two ducks and a pussy walk into a bar ...

Right at that instant "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin came on the CD we were playing. She quickly got to her feet, because she likes Kashmir at romantic moments because it has a nice rhythm to it, though not great for dancing, which is OK because dancing was not on the agenda. "I'm going to hurry and change my shirt!" she said. And she jumped off and ran into the bathroom, but not before saying, and I swear on a stack of bibles I am not making this up,

"This is good music to duck your sick!"

Except by the time the first sound of "sick" came out she realized she had screwed it up and she tried to call it back and garbled it. She couldn't call it back, and all that clearly came out was "duck," but I got the gist of it, and then she started laughing. And then she laughed harder, and first thing you know she was REALLY laughing. It was kind of funny, even in a fellatio interruptus context, and it stopped me from being irritated.

You had to be there, possibly.

It never ends, Sunday Edition:

Dingleberry advice from Dan Savage.
Let's not and say we did: pogo-a-go-go
Still looking for a Valentine's Gift? How about Gummy boobs?
We are 250 swats closer to reaching our OTK Resolution of 50,000 in 2012.

Penis Terrors

2012-01-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

I came across this picture (ha ha) the other day, because I Googled "turtle sex" after I found a blog post by the Blogess titled "The World's Most Terrifying Penises," since the article reminded of a funny story and I needed a good picture for it. You'll read my anecdote in a minute, unless you leave and go straight to clicking my butt spanking picture links instead.

The Blogess' post is apparently only about the leopard snail, which must have a terrifying penis, and perhaps more than one based on the title of the article though I'm skeptical. But I'm not sure, as I didn't actually watch the video in her post, partly because my ear buds were already being used to listen to Eliza Doolite on Pandora and I didn't want to watch silent penises, but mostly because I'm not a fan of being terrified, especially by non-silent penises.

My aversion to being scared is evidenced by the fact that I couldn't sit through the Wizard of Oz until I was 10, and it didn't even feature terrifying penises as far as I can remember (although the Cowardly Lion didn't wear pants now that I think about it).

While I REALLY did not want to look at a leopard snail penis, as fascinating as I'm sure they are, I was interested enough to Google "leopard snail penis" (637,000 results!) which led me to 30 Strangest Animal Mating Habits, which is full of fun stuff like "inflatable barnacle penises," which conjures images of a strap-on for crustaceans, or maybe sailors. I'm sure they (the inflatable barnacle penises and not the sailors, though they could be) are available at fine sea-side adult entertainment establishments everywhere.

But now to the story that led me to Google "turtle sex":

Many years ago I was in a comparative anatomy lab in college, and we were walking around looking at a decorative and tasteful arrangement of dead animals, and one of them was a big turtle. This particular turtle was interesting, for a dead turtle, because he had a large tail, or more precisely a large tail and one "suspiciously not a tail", which was improbably sticking out of the side of the actual tail, like some wacky graduate lab assistant had stapled it on as a joke. So of course a cute Buffy-type coed, who was standing right next to me (more accurately I was standing right next to HER because I'm not as stupid as I look) immediately grabbed the mystery appendage with her bare hand, started waggling it around, and said "What's this?" in her bouncy, cute girl voice, and the instructor said loudly, "That's his penis." And the peasants rejoiced, after she stopped freaking out. It was epic.

All this talk about animal's sex organs reminds me of another post, which was about an article in an actual scientific journal, with a citation (so it must be true): (Bubier et al. "Courtship behaviour of ostriches (Struthio camelus) towards humans under farming conditions in Britain" British Poultry Science, 2010). This fine example of scholarship, probably paid for by your government, is about how ostriches raised on ostrich farms eventually become sexually attracted to people, to the point where 70% of the ostriches will "hit on" people when they are around instead of other ostriches.

You could be next

Which in turn reminded me of the Dirty Jobs episode where Mike Rowe was trying to slip a sock over an ostrich's head so he (the ostrich, not Mike) would calm down enough to be led into the back of a truck to be taken to wherever it is you take an ostrich with a sock over his head. Possibly out to dinner, but they didn't elaborate on that particular point. Based on the ostrich thing above, it may be the ostrich was trying to slip a sock over Mike's head and take HIM to dinner, but I'm pretty sure it was the other way around.

If you've stuck me with this far in hopes of something spanking related, I offer this:

Play it again Sam, Saturday Edition:

Punishment spanking time rolled around again this morning. I used the studded metal paddle (32 swats today), as usual. This does not count toward our OTK Resolution total.
We ordered a Liberator Flip Ramp for review and got it free with Eden Points we had earned. You can read about the Eden Points reward program here if you're interested.
Feel like being tied up? Try the buyers guide to restraints.

Cock Block Limerick

2012-01-27T19:31:00.002-05:00

There was a young lady named Myna
Whose father had traveled to China
He wasn't afraid
That she would get laid
Because he locked up her vagina

Better late than never, Friday edition:

Need a Valentine's day gift? How about a hand painted, artisanal chocolate cockroach?
Medical Marijuana mouth spray.
Added: Gloria's Oversexed Mind.
OTK count up 250.

That's Crazy Talk

2012-01-26T18:51:00.000-05:00

I'd like to announce that I have finally discovered the mysterious secret behind the inner workings of Kallisto's brain! I'd also like to announce that Heidi Klum is my new next door neighbor and wants me to do odd jobs for her, like rearranging the drawer where she keeps her thousand-dollar designer panties.

On a related note, Stephen Hawking thinks women are "A complete mystery."

I mention this, because thanks to a "failure to communicate," lets call it that, Kallisto and I came about as close as we get to having ~~hot cross buns~~ a fight the other day. It happened like this:

Spanky is particular about getting fed at a certain time every night, so that we can keep things on schedule. Kallisto was about 10 minutes behind, and there were no signs of impending activity kitchen-wise. I could hear her typing on her computer in the next room, probably yabbering at one of our kids long distance.

So I called out, cheerfully and amicably, that's my story and I'm sticking to it, "Are you going to feed me, or WHAT?"

Kallisto finished what she was doing, came into the kitchen, and apologized for being late. Then she played the nightly game where she pretends to be completely surprised by the unexpected turn of events that require us to have dinner AGAIN, after only 1 day since the last time, which is similar to the "You're out of underwear" game, like who could see that coming? After some deep thinking about potential menu possibilities, she came up with, "Would you rather have 'A' or 'B'?"

(Now is the perfect time for this tidbit: In his younger days, Spanky thought it would be fun to get jiggy with a lady optometrist, who would be all "Is it better like this, or like that?")

So I said, "I don't want 'B', we had that last night!"

To the computer-like Spanky brain (i.e. better than an abacus but made obsolete by newer models), that answer was the acme of decisiveness and unequivocally decided the issue. If there are two choices, and I don't want one, than I get the other one. Q.E.D.

So I'm mentally preparing my innards for 'A', when a few minutes later I hear, "Or, you can have 'C'!"

What Kallisto was probably thinking

So I got excited, and I'm all "Don't start giving me choices after I tell you what I want!" and she's "You didn't tell me what you want!"

Ha Ha! What a fun-loving girl she is! So I explained how I had told her EXACTLY what I want, by telling her EXACTLY what I didn't want, and there was nothing else left, and THERE IT IS. So we laughed and I had 'A'.

More or less it happened like that. What DIDN'T happen, which might well have happened in the old, pre-spanking days, was us going into a death spiral of words that pissed us both off for the next few days. We're very close now. (To each other, not the death-spiral thing).

This episode is but one example of how I believe I think in a manner I call "Logical," while Kallisto thinks in a manner I call "Incomprehensible." But I love her for it.

Kallisto answers a question.

Another of her pleasing attributes is her ability to answer a "yes" or "no" question by talking for several minutes, without hitting a period, or possibly breathing, while mentioning several obscure male relatives, if not complete strangers, only 1 of which I've heard of, and what a few of her gal friends said the other day, and what she heard on tv, and did you see that funny thing on Facebook? and a couple of other random thoughts, and then say "And he said Blah Blah which answers your question," after mentioning enough men to get together a pickup basketball game.

So I play along and say "He who?" and she looks at me quizzically with that "Work with me here, you big dummy" look. It's great fun.

Note: She just did it again, as I was proofreading this. I asked from the other room if her computer restarted OK (I was fishing for "yes" or "no," call me crazy) and she talked for a minute about clicking this and reading that and canceling something else and windows popping up and blah blah just shoot me already and finally she said "yes," which I took to mean her computer HAD started or possibly something else altogether because I was no longer completely sure what I asked. In her defense, and this is true, she did offer to give me a blowjob, without me even ringing the bell, when she sensed I was irritated because she dumped all her computer problems on me about 2 seconds after I came in the door. She truly is wonderful. And I declined because it's near dinner time, which makes me wonderful (or possibly crazy).

Another fun character trait which makes conversing with her so fun is that she's clairvoyant, like some other women you may know. They don't actually have to talk, as this actual conversation proves, which I swear I am not making up:

Spanky thinking "She's a Witch!" Just kidding.

Kallisto's Mom: "Didn't you have a teacher named Smith?"

Kallisto: "No."

Kallisto's Mom: "What was her name?"

Kallisto: "Mrs. Plumhammer."

Kallisto's Mom: "Yes, that's it!"

At which point Spanky blurted "Time out! How did you know who she was talking about?" And they looked at each other knowingly, with that "He is a little slow, isn't he?" look.

P.S. Spanky has been known, on rare occasion, to exaggerate for comedic effect. Kallisto, you know I love you sweetie! (She reads this, so I have to cover my tracks.) I hope she didn't read that last part though.

Just when you thought it was over, Thursday Edition:

Newsflash: Strippers are sexy. Well duh.
Warning: Do not breast feed this kid.
Today's Bright Bottom
Post of the day: Health Benefits of Spanking.

Lusting for Leia

2012-01-25T19:09:00.003-05:00

A few days ago Padme put a photo on her Tumblr blog that instantly screamed "Blog Post!" at me. Padme as you know is a Start Wars aficionado first class, so you can probably already guess where this is headed, as if the blog title and the picture to the left don't clue you in. The following is a true story:

Scene: Some years ago. Kallisto and Spanky are enjoying a leisurely Sunday, sitting around the living room. Spanky is probably engrossed in fishing lint out of his navel.

Kallisto, casually: "There's a Star Wars Movie on today."

Spanky, suddenly on full alert mode: "Really? Which one?"

Kallisto, after a pause: "It's not THAT one."

This dialogue shows how well she knows ME. And of course you know which one THAT one is.

I speak of course of "Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi," or as I call it "Leia in the Bondage Bikini."

If I wrote the plot synopsis, it would be along the lines of "Leia is captured by Jabba and placed in chains at his feet in a stunning metal bikini. Possibly other stuff happens too."

There's so much win in that movie, that I can't adequately describe it.

Leia made my little B/d heart go pitty-pat, even in those days before I knew that I had one. I could just imagine myself as the slug-like Jabba (Kallisto probably could have too), licking my chops with Leia chained at my feet.

I'd turn on my slug-magic and go "Hi chuba da naga! Sie batha ne beechee?" and she be all "Ooooh, Jaba!" And then I'd ring the bell and she'd giggle.

Sometimes I wish I could be Jabba, but without the whole disgusting slug thing going on, but possibly the tongue though, and have Kallisto chained at my feet in a gold metal bikini, WITH the whole "epic win" thing going on.

She could definitely "chubee my wonga."

The slave girl and submissive women concept has always pleased me, as in "I would like to have one, please."

I'm hoping that if link Padme enough, she'll take the hint and link back to me. So go see her and tell her Spanky sent you, and tell her how awesome and inspirational (which is true) she is.

"Lusting for Leia" would be a good name for a television game show.

Why didn't I think of that, Wednesday edition:

Underwear thief caught with 10,000 pairs of panties
Topless tobogganists
Penguin poops on Senate floor.
Our OTK count is up 205. Film at 11. Or not.

Sex in Advertising Mystery

2012-01-24T20:10:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture I found which was provided as an example of "sex in advertising." Unfortunately I don't remember where I found it, and am too lazy to look for it again.

This picture is evidently intended to evoke the idea of wanton sexual kinkiness, by subtly (or not) portraying the image that two people, probably a man and a woman, though possibly a man and another man with manboobs, or maybe just really fat elbows, had sex, leaving behind what would have made a good Columbo crime scene.

Perhaps they met at a bar, had a few drinks, and then this conversation ensued:

SUAVE MAN: "I have an idea! Let's go outside where it's freezing and fuck by a dumpster!"

DRUNK GIRL: "Oh Yeah Baby! Lean me up where I can smell the rotting garbage, and mash my tits into the freezing dumpster lid, so my nipples will turn into solid chunks of ice and break off, while you impale me with your frozen love rocket!" (Aside: If this idea appeals, you can learn to make your own ice dildo! Who hasn't wanted to do that? Besides everybody but that guy.)

MAN: OK! But you walk around the block first so we can meet from opposite directions!

The first clue that something is amiss is that there aren't nearly enough footprints at the base of the dumpster, based on my experience with pre rear-entry maneuvering, frenzied groping, and clothes fumbling, but perhaps they were veritable sex ninjas. And if you look at the approaching footsteps carefully, they both took a GIANT step to get into position, especially the person who came from the right side. And there was evidently no spanking, which would have helped warm them up. Maybe they did the spanking in the bar first?

The really nagging question is, where exactly did they go afterwards? After thinking about it, here are my top theories:

They walked away BACKWARDS, using their previous footsteps. In opposite directions, which is where everybody goes after sex. Right.
They were abducted by aliens, mid-coitus, who transported them straight into space. (Aliens: "SURPRISE!")
They froze to death and were transported away by a time-traveling Star Trek crew from the future, to use as an ice sculpture at Spock's next kal-if-fee.
Or they froze to death and were carried away by giant, Mysterious Island type buzzards looking for a frozen snack, who cleverly didn't leave any buzzard-poop clues.
They (the sex-having people, not Spock, the aliens or the buzzards) actually didn't leave, but climbed into the stinky yet inviting (to their frozen brains) dumpster instead, but without knocking any of the snow off of it, to spend the night cuddling. Or dying of hypothermia, which would explain why they haven't come out yet.

Maybe an alert reader can solve this puzzle?

Yesterday was my first day with more than 1,000 page loads (about what Bonnie gets in the time it took to type this sentence). Thanks to everyone who stops by or helps send readers my way!

Overtime, Tuesday Edition:

How gaydar works.
Now there's over 4000 comments trying to win the metal chicken. What are you waiting for?
19 things you need to do to get pregnant. I remember when there was only one.
Crispy testicles, with onions.

Spanking Faces and Subspace

2012-01-23T20:10:00.002-05:00

Hermione wrote a marvelous post the other day titled "In subspace no one can hear you scream. Padme, of Journey to the Darkside fame, writes about subspace frequently too (e.g. basking in subspace, at Padme's Devotions which has not been updated in a while but is still there).

Subspace is apparently a cornucopia of sensory delights, a combination of an out of body experience and nirvana, perhaps brought on by bare bottom spanking-induced endorphins. I don't think Kallisto has ever had the subspace experience, though I think she has had the bare bottom spanking-induced endorphin one, and may have had the nirvana one, if you use squirting as your nirvana meter. And she is a fairly good squirter, in the same sense that the Grand Canyon is a "fairly good hole." We have to put down plastic sheets and blankets ahead of time, having learned that the hard way as I alluded to here.

But as to floating out of her body, not so much that I've noticed.

Hermione's great description of subspace popped into my head as I was perusing my photo collection and saw this spanking face:

Spanked girl looks like she might be in some sort of zone, if not the subspace one. (When Spanky looks like that, he's usually in the "squeezing a log" zone, but that's different I suspect.)

And the spanker dude looks like he might be playing the two-handed butt bongo. Maybe he's just showing off his "honeymoon hands." (Thanks to Hermione for that one too.) She (the photo girl and not Hermione, but then again who knows?) has a certain "Jennifer Aniston" quality also, which adds to the appeal of this photo, Jennifer being a "fairly good" girl I suspect.

Add Jennifer to the list too.

Wait there's more, Monday Edition:

Sensitivity run amok.
The OTK count held steady yesterday. Stupid NFL.
In case you ever wanted to shove a lobster down your pants.
Urinating cat tries to burn down house.
Over 3000 comments because she's giving away a metal chicken. Why didn't I think of that?

Spanking Limerick

2012-01-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

I got such a rousing response from the Haiku the other day that I thought I would switch gears and belch out a limerick. But before I get to it I'm going to lecture you in case you missed that day in sixth grade, or were thinking about Betty Armbruster's budding bazookas instead of listening to Mrs. Babble.

There are a lot of opinions as to what is proper limerick form. Nearly always a limerick has five lines. The first, second, and fifth line rhyme and usually have 7 to 10 syllables, and are composed of "feet" which have something Mrs. Babble called "meter." If the meter goes "ba-da-BING" it's called an anapaest, and if it goes ba-Zinga-ga" it's called an amphibrach. Lines three and four have 5 to 7 syllables.

Limericks usually have anapaestic meter, with a first line like: da-DUH an-ae-PEST an-ae-PEST, or sometimes da-DUH an-ae-PEST an-ae-PEST-da-da. The short lines are often da-DUH an-ae-PEST, or da-DUH an-ae-PEST-da. I think that as long as the long lines have the same number of syllables and meter, and the short lines have the same too, the limerick is acceptable.

Teachers of poetry introduced words like "anapaest" and "amphibrach" to cover up for the fact that poetry is not rocket science, because it is not slathered with calculus like physics or other more manly subjects.

Here is a Spanky-approved version of a limerick, which I just made up, which more or less follows the rules.

I once had a girl I called Twinkle toes

Who had a quite cute little wrinkled nose

She thought it was kinky

to slurp on my winky

and garnish her hiney with sprinkle throws.
~

Found by Googling "Butt Sprinkles"

Unfortunately that one is not true. Comical (i.e. dirty or kinky) wins over clean, in my book. Here is another:

Not sure where I found this one. Sorry.

His wife was a pretty young sweetie pie

who laughed at the stain on his brand new tie

He gave her a glare

Said "Bend Over There!"

And spanked on her fanny 'till she did cry

And of course I meant "American Fanny" and not "British Fanny" because we've been over THAT before. The last limerick one was the one I started out with, but I think I like the first one better.

I was going to write a limerick about Reese Witherspoon instead of spanking, but I kept drooling on the keys and had to switch gears.

Wait There's More, Sunday Edition:

Hot guys giving medical advice for the ladies.
Impressions love paddle 30% off at EdenFantasys. A cute way to write "Love" on the ass of your choice.
*ding* My wife is great!

Eating at the Y

2012-01-21T19:56:00.000-05:00

I just discovered that the "Edit Posts" page in Blogger has a Search bar on it, which lets you see what a shitty job you've done labeling your posts. The fact that the search bar is a big blank box right in front of your face with SEARCH written next to it was not enough to fool my discerning brain into actually seeing it, sort of like underwear on the floor, which I could allow to accumulate until I had to burrow through the pile, but that's why I got married. Or somewhere on the list anyway.

Pass the Picante

Thanks to the miracle of the search bar, I discovered I had mentioned Reese Witherspoon a LOT more often than I thought. She has clearly wormed her way into my subconscious in a major way. But enough about her. At least until tomorrow.

The search bar also reminded me I talk about blowjobs a lot, on account of the fact that they are awesome probably, as is Kallisto in that department, which is the topic of a future post which is fermenting in my mind.

All the blowjob blabber reminds me that the other variety of oral sex, affectionately knows as "carpet munching" or "muff diving" in some circles, has not gotten an equal shake here. Which is probably because it doesn't get an equal shake in the Spanky household either, Kallisto not being particularly a fan of it though she does enjoy it when she lets me do it. Which is usually when she's tied up and can't stop me. Incidentally, she doesn't care for the 69 position, because she says it "distracts her" from what she's doing. Which shows that in the oral department she is focused, and I am at least distracting.

And that reminds me of a conversation I had long ago when I was barely beyond my teen Spanky stage, but still had not completely recovered from my "asshole know-it-all" stage. I was at work, on the loading dock, talking to a buddy of mine. The conversation went something like this:

He says "You actually EAT pussy? That's gross!" and I'm all, "Sure it's great!" because I was a veritable pussy expert, in my mind, having actually seen several of them at that point in my life and actually been allowed to TOUCH two of them, and one of those with my own personal dick and several times at that. Then he goes "What if she COMES in your face?" and I'm all "HA HA! Women don't really do that!"

Fast forward a few years to me trying out Kallisto's first vibrator (on her), one we got at Spencer's on a lark. I'm up close to the festivities, to take in all the details for my memoirs, or possibly just this blog, and she's getting pretty aroused, and all of a sudden I'm all "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" We were both surprised, and I suddenly understood what he meant. Sorry dude, you were right.

And the correct answer to him, in hindsight, was "Just make sure it doesn't go up your nose."

I see what you did there

To make this post spanking related, which is supposedly the point of this blog though you would not know it sometimes, what with all the Reese Witherspoon and blowjob talk, we are progressing swimmingly towards meeting our OTK Spanking Resolution. I am now a definite bare bottom spanking OTK fan and cannot imagine why most of our earlier spanking was not of this variety. There's nothing that can quite arouse your senses like the silky, taut feel of a woman's ass in the cup of your hand.

Unless it's possibly her juicy goodness going up your nose.

Stuff I forgot to mention, Saturday Edition:

Bottoms up! is a new link. Thanks for the heads up to Bonnie.
I finally told Kallisto about this place. I figured if she hadn't found it in a month, she wasn't going to. She's my official proofreader now.
Got rope?
Under no circumstances read this.
Tonight's OTK total was a little over 250.

Bright Bottom after 1 Month

2012-01-20T20:03:00.001-05:00

Spanky's had his hand full

If you want, just go "blah blah blah" and skip ahead to the updates while glancing at the funny pictures.

One month ago I started this blog to relieve some anxiety I was experiencing thanks to Attila, my Urologist. Everything turned out fine, Attila gave me a thumbs up instead of finger in the ass, and I've been blogging ~~like a fool~~ every day since.

During that time I've picked up a few inbound links, made some new friends, and got over 12,000 page loads, about 2.4 page loads per swat of Kallisto's butt during that period. That puts me hot on the heels of Bonnie's 12 million (page loads, not butt swats). I'll be there in just another 1,000 months!

I've learned a few things along the way about This Blogging Thing We Do (TBTWD):

How Spanky wants to imagine his readers

Blogger's built in stats are crap, because they are seriously polluted by referrer spammers with names like wesuck.ru. DO NOT click on these assclown's links if you see them in your stats.
Google Analytics is the bomb, just like Bonnie said. She knows everything.
Dana and Erica are the cat's pajamas. I just recently met Pink, and she's been super. Hermione is a friend from my previous blogging life who is also off the hizzy fo shezzy. Once of my favorite Google hits so far is "spank bare bottom Hermione."
Boobaloo is fun (and very kinky) and was the source of a few fanny-related ideas. "Fanny" will be the gift that keeps giving.
People must not "follow" blogs like I remember from previous blogs I wrote; I picked up 10 or so followers in the first few days and have only added one since. Sometimes I suspect my blogs fly is open or something.
At one point I got discouraged by the lack of comments, so I turned them off, which was my way of saying "Neener neener." After a few days of that, and making Hermione search for a post she could actually comment on, which made me feel bad, I turned them back on. Recently I've started to get a few more though.

How Spanky suspects some of his readers really are

Writing blog posts is easy. Writing good ones is hard, so I don't really know if I have written any. My only measure that I might have is that some people come back, and the number that do is slowly increasing. Of course, they could be demented or lost too. A few people have intimated they find me amusing, which keeps me going. Kallisto thinks I'm hysterical, so it must be true.

Gratuitous Spanking Photo (source)

About 2/3 of my exit link stats are people who go look at Tumblr pictures of butts and spankings, which makes me suspect a lot of people just come here to click my links. Maybe my fan base is mostly 11 year-olds.
I've decided I am writing for the lurkers who might be finding some of my posts entertaining. I just push ahead and convince myself they are out there, even if I seldom hear from them.
If you actually made it this far, I just saw the trailer for Reese Witherspoon's new movie This Means War and now my brain is useless. On top of that Secret Spanko just left a comment on yesterday's Blowjob-related post about a rumored Reese Witherspoon - Matthew Brodsomebody blowjob in a deleted scene, so THIS day is shot.

What do these dorks have that I don't? Besides youth, money and good looks? (It's not the guns.)

Wait there's more, Friday edition:

Flaming Tampons!
Iran cracks down on Barbies. Morons.
Bored? Check out a prostitute at the library. Late fees apply.
Rats. I missed the Testicle Cooking Festival. Again.
Tonight's OTK count was another 250 bare bottom swats. We're averaging just over 250 per day if you're keeping score. At this rate we'll make our OTK spanking resolution easily.

Blowjob Googling

2012-01-19T19:15:00.000-05:00

Not Reese Witherspoon

It occurs to me that I have not actually posted about blowjobs recently. I'm reminded because someone just visited Bright Bottom after Googling "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob." I can only imagine how disappointed he was (assuming he was a he, and who are we kidding here?) to arrive breathlessly and discover there actually is NOT a Reese Witherspoon Blowjob here. Or anywhere else, apparently. Speaking purely from conjecture.

Q: What exactly is Ryan Phillipe's problem?

A: Possibly he is insane.

In my mind I see him (the Googler, not Ryan Phillipe) sitting in his underwear munching Ding Dongs® and spending Friday night clicking on an endless stream of Google results for "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob." Ryan Phillipe might be doing that now too, come to think about it, since he divorced Reese.

Also on Twitter

As you might have guessed by now, I am a big Reese Witherspoon admirer, mostly because she is beautiful, smart, funny, beautiful, and apparently a nice person too. You never read about her being arrested, coming out of rehab, committing armed robbery, molesting kids, etc. Plus I think she's beautiful. She's also on Twitter, but doesn't say much there because she's too busy being awesome probably.

I'm compelled to point out that I am not one to put "Reese Witherspoon" and "Blowjob" next to each other willy nilly to increase the number of Google impressions I have for "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob." Just to clear that up.

The "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob" search might be a candidate for the Holy Grail of Google as the most popular search that has no successful conclusion. Googling it brings up over 2 million hits. Even putting quotes around it only narrows it down to 19,000 hits. That's a lot of hits for something that actually doesn't exist. On the other hand, "Butt Nuggets" don't exist either and THAT gets over 86,000 hits, so maybe it's not that remarkable.

Found by searching for "Butt Nuggets"

It's hard to understand that disparity, because given a choice, would you rather keep a year's supply of "Butt Nuggets," or give them back to Monty Hall for a chance to guess which door the "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob" is behind? That would have been an epic "Let's Make a Deal" episode.

For comparison, "Reese Witherspoon Spanking" gave me only 2,690 hits, while "Blowjob Spanking" gives over 1 million hits! So the two activities together is a clear winner. As if you didn't already know.

Which leads to the today's question, sent by reader Melvin Blumpkin from Bald Knob, Arkansas:

Q: Why does "fellatio" sound like a delightful Italian dessert and "cunnilingus" sound like the Irish word for "hemorrhoid?"

A: The word "fellatio" (from the Latin for "You want me to do WHAT?") was coined after Columbus discovered the blowjob and brought it back to Europe, since the New World Indian name of "yaa dahalneʼígíí ałkééʼ daazdzoh" was too hard to remember. Because the blowjob took Italy by storm almost overnight, they got the first crack at making up a new name for it. Or possibly for some other reason.

Updates:

WTF! links. Thanks Bloggess!
Today's OTK total: 250, putting us just over 5,000 after 19 days.

Dildo Interruptus

2012-01-18T21:00:00.004-05:00

Ancient Chinese Secret

A few weeks ago I blogged about our strap-on dildo buying adventure, which we accomplished in a moment of temporary insanity. I thought at the time I was the only guy on the planet who thought a strap-on might be a fun accessory. Well, me and this guy, and possibly the Grandpa who gave away his dildo collection in his video will.

Last Friday I suggested to Kallisto on our private blog that it might be fun if I strapped on our Tantus Echo sometime over the weekend and used it to ~~make her burst into paroxysms of laughter~~ bedazzle her. She thought that was a peachy idea.

Not my Urologist

Alas, the highlight of Friday turned out to be the part where the Doctor asked me "How're those erections working for you?" to which I announced "No problem! I use a fake dick instead!"

As fun as THAT would have been, I actually said "Good!" (which is essentially true) and turned to Kallisto, who was sitting right there, and asked "What do you think?" Much mirth and merriment ensued.

Did I mention my Urologist looks like Heidi Klum? He would if he wasn't a swarthy Mexican and he gave me mind altering drugs before sticking his sausage size finger up my butt.

Devin Hester's butt will miss the Super Bowl

So of course I spent all-day Saturday either on the computer or watching ~~Tim Tebow get his ass kicked~~ the NFL playoffs and didn't strap on anything bigger than a beer can.

Sunday and Monday (I was off work for MLK day) went by too, with the even more time ~~wasted~~ spent watching yet more NFL playoffs (NFL motto: Resistance is futile) and wasting time on the computer (i.e. blogging).

Between all the watching football, computoring, and stuffing my face with Christmas gingerbread cookies, on Sunday afternoon we did find time for spanking fun. None of it included me chasing Kallisto around with a fourth leg though.

Can't imagine why this didn't catch on

Finally, last night I made partial amends when I gave Kallisto her daily dose of OTK swats (300 this time). About half way through I finally upheld part of the dildo bargain (but not the part that involves me looking like a dork) during the "Spanking Intermission," which is normally the part where I massage her butt and ~~sing "Let's all go to the lobby!"~~ make pithy comments. This time I used the Echo to get her juices flowing instead.

When she reached the point that it was either (a) continue and grab for a snorkel or (b) consider running for higher ground, I took the safer course and switched from tickling her British Fanny to embellishing the shine on her American Fanny. By the time I got done completing her rosy glow she was right-down fired up. Much mirth and merriment ensued, again.

Slightly off topic, I actually have visitors that come here after Googling "Big Fanny." Makes you wonder what side of the pond they live on?

Updates:

Today's addition to the OTK Swat count was a mere 200. We're closing in on 5000.
The real Happy Meal: Trading Sex for Chicken McNuggets
Japan strikes again: Tenugui, Japanese Love Rope
Interesting.

Spanking Haiku and Why I Hate Poetry

2012-01-17T21:51:00.000-05:00

In the "And now for something completely different" department, we offer this:

Haiku has always interested me, because haikus are short (only 17 syllables) and easy to write (they don't rhyme). Unlike most of the ~~crap~~ poetry you were force fed in school, you can read one in less time than it takes to open a beer.

Better than the Rose Parade

Plus, haikus are from Japan! Any country that has penis festivals is obviously culturally advanced and must be studiously emulated. Japan would clearly be a great place to be a teenager, apart from the deadly earthquakes and random Godzilla infestations.

So, I thought it might be fun to try to write a haiku. Better yet, a haiku with a cleverly subtle spanking theme! I think my humble effort below might come close. I also think the Three Stooges are funny, so once again you get what you pay for. And even if you hate it, you can at least enjoy the penis parade.

Anyway, on with the haiku:

Bending to the ground,

willow branches and the girl

weeping together.

Did you get the implied "willow branches across the bent over girl's derriere part?" I hope so; that's what I was aiming at (the implication, not the derriere).

I think that effort is as good as William Butler Yeats' Leda and the Swan, a "Petrarchan sonnet" about Zeus, in the form of a swan, seducing Leda and fathering Diane Kruger. Leda was the mother of Clytemnestra, Castor and Pollux too. All 4 were remarkably fathered on the same night by 2 men (or 1 man and a swan depending on your program) according to tabloids of the time. Yet Yeats (say that 5 times) didn't have ANYTHING to say about that, which is the best part of the story I think.

I don't make this stuff up

In High School a teacher spent 45 minutes dancing around the whole Leda and the Swan theme without actually mentioning sex and the fathering part, which was funny given all Yeats' "loosening thighs" and "shudder in the loins" talk. I wanted to shout out "I'm pretty sure it's about a girl begin fucked by a swan," but I couldn't really raise my hand and say THAT without being sent to the office, if not outright arrested for corrupting a room full of minors.

You might think that a guy who can fling lightning bolts (Zeus, not me) would not have to turn into a swan to get some action, but evidently times were tough booty-wise in those days, unless perhaps Leda was extremely bodacious, which she probably was given how Helen wasn't played by Rosanne Barr in Troy. But on reflection, Leda was married to the King of the Spartans, who were notoriously bad-ass, even though she did run off with Orlando Bloom, either before or after he was discovered he was an elf, that part is hazy, so in some ways Zeus disguising himself makes sense. I would have disguised myself as Chuck Norris, but that's just me.

My haiku was motivated by this photo of a Bright Bottom, or would have been if I'd actually seen the photo first rather than just imagining it in my head, and skipping straight to the writing about it part and then looking for the picture later.

From All Things Spanking

If you thought I couldn't weave Monty Python, Godzilla, bad haiku, Greek Mythology, Petrarchan Sonnets, penises, Chuck Norris, cane marks, Orlando Bloom, Rosanne Barr, spanking, and the 3 Stooges (can you name all 6?) into the same post, shame on you. Take that, William Butler Yeats, if in fact that's your real name. I'm also pretty sure "Rosanne Barr" and "spanking" have never been written in the same sentence before, so that's another first. I'm awesome.

Spanko! Magazine

2012-01-16T17:14:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was in the library sitting on the throne (stick with me here, it gets better). I turned my attention to a magazine on top of a nearby stack of throne-room reading.

This magazine featured the usual "magazine girl" on the cover, and by "magazine girl" I mean a specimen of femininity not found in nature. Magazine girls live in gated communities in places with names like "Puerto Verde" and are guarded by patrols of black-belted eunuchs carrying AK-47s. Not that they need protection generally (the girls, not the eunuchs) since normal men spontaneously burst into flames if they suddenly spot one of them (the girls again) by accident.

Magazines mock me

This particular magazine used the popular style of graphical artistry known as "Hide half the letters in the title with the model's bulbous head," though in this instance her bulbous parts were not strategically located in an optimum title hiding position. At any rate, only the first few letters and the last few in the magazine title were available to decipher. And they were all lower case, which is evidently very avant garde in the magazine world.

The human brain is a marvelous thing at deciphering puzzles. Which is why I discerned instantly that the title of this particular magazine was "titties." The existence of a magazine titled "titties" within actual arms length really piqued my interest.

It turned out the magazine title was actually "fitness," which is laudable, but not nearly as interesting as "titties." Although on reflection the target market for a magazine called "titties" would be 11-year olds. A title more appropriate for older guys would be "tits," but then there wouldn't be enough letters to hide, unless they used an extremely pinheaded magazine girl, and who wants that?

I might point out that Spanky's bifocals don't work at some distances, especially when they are on the counter 10 feet away and not on my face.

I think there should be more (as in any) Spanking magazines. Like "Spanko!" Or at least some spanking-related coverage in more mainstream magazines like National Geographic. Come to think of it, Nat Geo is probably still the 11 year-old's choice for titties, so spanking would not be a real stretch in content, titillation-wise. Reader's Digest has really gone down hill in the last 40 years, so maybe they should look into it?

Updates:

Once again men, don't click here. Unless you never worry about wildlife going up your penis.
Please go visit the Pink Report. Tell them that Spanky sent you.
300 more swats for the OTK Resolution. I'm too lazy to link to it again, so go find it yourself.
The Bloggess continues to crack me up. She only has 205,333 more Twitter followers than I do.

Spanking Faces

2012-01-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

Erica Scott wrote a thought-provoking post a few days ago on the subject of spanking photo blogs, in which she made the observation:

Is it my imagination, or is it true that practically every time I log on, there's a new spanking-oriented photo site in the blogrolls? Pictures, pictures, pictures. No words. No stories. Oftentimes, not even a reference as to the origins of the photos. Just photos, one after another after another, every day, all over the place.

I know she's right, because I have a lot of them linked in my sidebar. She also says:

Also, in some of the so-called spanking photo blogs, the photos have nothing to do with spanking. They are simply cute young girls with their butt to the camera. That's not spanking.

And

... if I click on a blog looking for a spanking picture, I don't want some woman's hoo-ha in my face, so close up I feel like a damn gynecologist.

I'm absolutely guilty on the second point, as all of my posts tagged "Spankable" are nothing but "cute young girls with their butt to the camera." I do make an effort to avoid gratuitous hoo-has though.

So I'm going to try to focus more on posts about spanking, and less on posts about beautiful butts. Although beautiful butts certainly have their place, and I may garnish a post now and then with one.

I think today's picture is all about spanking, and there's absolutely no butts, hoo-has, or any other spanking-related bits in it. There's not any actual spanking in it, either. (I think I got this photo came from Spanking Blog.)

Is there any doubt this photo is about spanking?

I like the photo because it really appeals to my imagination. I wonder what he is doing, or is about to do, or maybe has already done? Is he counting stripes? Carefully pulling down her panties? Giving her some after-care? And what is going through her mind? Remorse or apprehension?

Comments are back on, because I'm in a whimsical mood.

Updates are below the fold:

I've added a link to a new spanking blog I've just discovered, Another Country.
Leave some love on a spankable butt with the Impressions love paddle, on sale at EdenFantasys for 30% off
After taking yesterday off, I added another 500 swats to the OTK Resolution count a little bit ago. I think my hand is definitely toughening up faster than I anticipated. Judging by her rosy derriere, I am doing a good job. I added on another 50 with the rainbow nights paddle, just to even out the glow. Then we did the Wild Monkey Dance to positive reviews. A great time was had by all.
"Is that a gun up your ass, or are you just happy to see me?"

Spanking Positions #1

2012-01-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

One of the best articles in Bonnie's Tutorials is her Top Twenty Spanking Positions. I've always thought it would be fun to try and put together illustrations of all of them, and today is the first installment of that idea. I hope that more will follow.

While looking for suitable pictures, I stumbled across a site I was unaware of, called Pacific Force Adult Spanking and Role Play. One of the sections they link to contains various articles, and the article I found first was My Favorite Spanking Positions.

Obviously we should start with Bonnie's #1 spanking position, which is fast becoming our favorite too: Over the lap at the edge of a bed or couch. This is the spanking position we have used for almost all of our daily OTK spankings, taken in pursuit of my OTK Resolution to give Kallisto 50,000 hand swats this year. As Bonnie points out, this position is suitable for any short handled spanking implement, like a hairbrush, in addition to the the bare hand. After I wear my hand out, I like to finish Kallisto off with 50 or so swats from our Rainbow Nights paddle (which is incidentally 30% off as I write this).

This photo, taken from the Pacific Force site, shows this spanking position using a couch:

If Kallisto was my maid (as if) and I was in drag dressed as Barbara Eden, we might look similar to that. (Add Barbara Eden to the list too, now that I think about it. I'm really beginning to miss 1965.)

Our favorite variation is to use a bed instead of a couch, as shown in this photo from Strictly Spanking. This is how we would look, if I was left handed and a woman, and liked to assume cranky expressions during erotic spankings, which I don't, being as "cranky" and "erotic" don't go together, even though "crank" and "erotic" might very well. Sometimes one vowel makes all the difference.

And another, from tush spanking art ... and thegiblets. This example of the #1 spanking position is closer to what we do, though I prefer to place Kallisto over my left knee and place my right leg over hers, to help hold her in place. Which is another of Bonnie's positions btw.

Finally, this spanking position works outdoors as well (this is another from Strictly Spanking), though I can honestly say that spanking a bare bottom outdoors on a park bench is not on our Bucket List yet, especially one (the bench, not the bare bottom) tastefully garnished with pigeon poop.

Public Service Announcements:

Barbara Eden is on Twitter too.
Men, whatever you do, don't click here.
Pacific Force Adult Spanking and Role Play has been added to my "educational" links in the sidebar. Check them out!
Sex toy finds new use for toothbrush motor

Spanking Leads to Great Sex

2012-01-13T20:46:00.000-05:00

I really wanted to post something clever about "triskadickaphobia" but I couldn't pull it together. So I offer this instead.

The other day we heard our local news anchors blabbering during dinner (ours, not theirs) about a minister and his wife somewhere who were challenging their parishioners to have sex "Every day for 7 days!" The news anchors reported this challenge like it was so newsworthy the folks at Guiness were already saving space in their new edition for it.

Kallisto and I both laughed when we heard that. I commented that the minister and his wife were "amateurs," and she readily agreed. The story reminded me that a few years ago a local radio crew had a similar contest where they challenged couples to go 30 days, and they periodically interviewed them on air. None of the couples made it. Now to think about it, that radio show didn't last the 30 days either.

Love is everywhere for us now

A few years ago Kallisto and I had our own daily streak of spanking and sex going. The first time we tried, we managed to make 175 days or so, when fate intervened and forced us to miss a day. The second time we tried, we got serious about it and eventually made it 593 days, which included every day in 2009. It ended when we were physically separated unavoidably, so we didn't stop voluntarily.

Our streak is more remarkable because we don't sleep in the same room anymore, on account of we, and by "we," like all men I mean "she," snore like water buffalo. If you live south of the Mason Dixon Line, it's quite possible you've heard one of us. Most likely her, though she disputes the relative difference in our snoring ability. She also thinks leaving the light on in the bathroom helps the air dry out after a shower, but I digress.

"How did you do it?" you say. Actually, you probably say "Bullshit!" but I assure you I'm not making it up.

For us, it, and by "it" I refer to the whole Spanking and Sexpalooza thing, became possible when Kallisto recognized, admitted and embraced her need to be spanked. Spanking her bare bottom makes her submissive and horny, and we all know where THAT ends up. Finding Bonnie's blog back in the beginning was instrumental also.

Spanking has led to increased physical intimacy, which led to us being closer together in many other ways too, such as exploring her submissive side. *ding* Of course, the fact that we have reached an advanced state of ~~decay~~ marriage where our children have moved on is tremendously beneficial. Fifteen years ago, we could not have done it. Though we managed to carry on during the streak when they visited, which makes for some interesting stories for another time.

Another key to success for us is setting time aside for spanking and sex. We have a particular time of day when spanking and sex is the major agenda item, and we plan everything else around that as far as possible. Occasionally something comes up that isn't me, and we work around it.

Now it's not unusual for us to miss a day or two every week, but we make up for it. The pressure to make it everyday is off, because we've "been there and done that." I have no doubt that we could put together another long streak, if it wasn't for the fact that I still have to work for a living and that involves being somewhere else sometimes, which takes some of the fun out of it. It's harder to set a goal when you are unavoidably prevented from reaching it. Spanking and Sex 365 times in a year is a very obtainable goal for us, and we've probably accomplished that for the last 3 or 4 years.

If you want to rev up your sex life and spanking is not part of it, you might want to look in to it. If you're a woman who thinks she wants to be spanked but are afraid to admit it, you certainly should look in to it. And if you're a woman reading this and aren't being regularly spanked, you probably want to be or you wouldn't be here.

So what are you waiting for? The first step is to head over to Bonnie's blog and read everything.

Update: We added another 400 to the OTK Resolution count this morning.

Mothers I'd Like to Spank

2012-01-12T19:06:00.002-05:00

Their PTA is awesome

One of the ~~annoying things~~ joys of aging is that the proportion of women who turn my head and cause me to run off the road is steadily increasing.

When I was a teenager, all I noticed were the hot young women my age. None of them noticed me, because my friends and I had a common teenage affliction medical experts describe as "Being an asshole."

For example, I'd be shooting pool with a friend, and we'd see a hot young "babe," and he'd go "Whoa! I'd fuck her until her freckles fall off!" and I'd be all "You couldn't fuck fat Edna over there!" and he'd get all pissy and "I wouldn't fuck her with YOUR dick" and I'd go "Yeah? Your sister would!" and he'd be "That doesn't even make sense!" and then he'd pull out a cigarette to try and look cool and go "Hey Babe! Got a match?" and I'd be all "Yeah! Your face and a monkey's ass!" and then we'd start poking each other with the pool cues (NOT like that) until we noticed the babe was gone and we'd figure she was at home making out with one of the jocks and we'd be all "Who needs her?" and high five. But enough teenage talk already.

Now I'm attracted to their mothers too. In a lot of cases, Mom is better.

It's gotten worse since I've discovered the joys of bare bottom spanking, thanks to Kallisto admitting she wanted me to spank her. Many ineffable women are very spankable.

Before you email me a pithy letter to criticize my lack of vocabulary skills, I know that "ineffable" doesn't mean THAT. It should, which is good enough for me.

Another benefit of my new-found interest in asses of all ages is that watching TV is a lot more interesting. Even June Cleaver looks pretty good now! Instead of laughing at the Beaver, now I can imagine Ward spanking June with her pearls on (June, not Ward though that would be interesting). That episode would have been awesome. While we're at it, June could spank Eddie Haskell too.

While it's fun to ~~ogle Reese Witherspoon~~ look, Kallisto fulfills all my spanking and sexual needs. She's the Mother I'd Like to Spank the most.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

On that note, last night I gave my Bottom's bottom the night off, since we are well ahead of schedule in the OTK Resolution department.

Update: We're back on track, pushing our total swats so far this year to 3147, which puts us roughly 1500 ahead of schedule. At this rate we'll hit our goal some time in July I think. My hand is acclimating rapidly too, it really doesn't sting much anymore.

Female Dominance

2012-01-11T16:47:00.000-05:00

I never thought much about Female Dominance until I found Dana Kane's Free Spanking Videos after she left a gracious comment on one of my early posts. Since then I've spent a fair amount of time there watching her videos.

I find them fascinating, in a watching a car wreck sort of way. Plus, I've picked up some good spanking OTK tips as well. She's the one that inspired me to set the 50,000 OTK swats goal for Kallisto for this year. And we're well ahead of schedule so far, and none of my fingers have fallen off either. I won't be Edward Sissyhands much longer.

I have to say I have no inclination to be the Bottom in one of those scenes. And I mean "no inclination" as in "I have no inclination to shove a roll of quarters up my nose, set myself on fire and run across the freeway naked." So I'm more or less opposed to the concept and can't imagine letting a woman take me over her knee and give me a bare bottom spanking.

Well, maybe Reese Witherspoon, but that's all.

And Julie Bowen of Modern Family. But no more.

Yet there's something compelling about a woman giving a man a bare bottom paddling that draws me back to Dana's videos. Perhaps it's because the whole power exchange thing is much more evident when the top is a woman?

Maybe I'd lie on Jane Levy's lap too, though she's a little ~~lot~~ young for me. And perhaps Valerie Bertinelli, who's at least in the same decade I am age-wise, though we might not be the same species, at least in an attractiveness sense.

All this speculation leads me to imagine how effective certain famous women would be at the whole female Domme male bare bottom paddling thing. The woman in the black and white photo above (who I think is Vivien Leigh, but am not sure) might have been pretty good at it.

And I might let Debra Paget take a slap or three, even if she is 78. But I draw the line there.

And perhaps Dana, but that's it.

If you've stuck with me this far, here's a Spankable from PSMPBS.

Updates:

Here's another nice Spankable Bottom at PSMPBS.

How to Sneak a Peak

2012-01-10T16:59:00.000-05:00

It's time for Spanky the Answer Man to provide answers to the pesky problems that have been troubling you.

Today's question comes from Melvin Furbush of Petaluma, California, who asks, "How do I discreetly peek beneath a pair of panties during a spanking?"

Spanky offers the following illustrative examples, which speak for themselves:


The Right Way

The Wrong Way

Although the second guy is technically not giving a spanking, and the spankee is technically not wearing panties, the general principle remains: Avoid the all-too-common temptation to pull the panties over your head and climb in all at once. These things must be done delicately.

Updates:

This recent post on Submisison in Marriage is interesting.

Monday's Spankable Bottom

2012-01-09T16:46:00.000-05:00

Today's spankable bottom was again found in the archives at Please Spank My Perfect Bottom, Sir.

I seem to spend more and more time there for some reason. Surely it's not the preponderance of bountiful booty there?

They say a picture is worth 1024 words, and this one could be worth a lot more. This submissiveness in this pose begs for a short story.

I have to wonder what this lovely did to deserve what is surely coming next. If it were my choice, a brisk bottom paddling would be at the top of the list.

I also wonder what is going through her mind as she submissively waits, seemingly facing the wall like a good girl.

Perhaps she's not so good, and it took some stern words to get her to stop her bratting.

Maybe she had to write her lines first?

Updates:

Two for one: Here's another Spankable Bottom, not to be missed!

Sunday Bright Bottom and Two for the Price of One

2012-01-08T19:53:00.000-05:00

Here's a wonderful Bright Bottom from the fine folks at "Please Spank My Perfect Bottom, Sir."

I find this picture very erotic. The sexy garment is old-fashioned yet appealing, and the way her skirt is pushed aside to display the result of a perfect bare bottom spanking is very alluring to me.

And now for something completely different. Kallisto and I share a private blog, which we use to share our thoughts, send up trial sex balloons, etc.

A few weeks ago I made a long list of statements, and asked her to rank them from 0 (don't agree) to 10 (agree).

Two of the items on that last, with her responses, were these:

33. I'd like to be given an enema 10

34. ... and f****d in the ass with the harness until I beg you to stop. 10!!!!!

Yesterday, after a nice bare bottom paddling involving 400 or so OTK swats with my hand and a paddle, we did exactly that. Well, the second one anyway, as she took care of the first previously. It was more fun than I anticipated, since the harness allowed me to "kill 2 birds with one stone," so to speak, if you get my drift. (Cue Sesame Street music: One of these things is NOT the same!)

Or actually 2 stones. And one of the birds didn't live very long compared to the other. Actually one of the stones didn't live very long. (Editor: This metaphor sucks, give it up).

And we had never done THAT before. Though I didn't get a 5 exclamation point reaction, she seemed to enjoy it thoroughly.

On a different note, I think "Sex Balloons" would make a great name for a rock band.

Updates:

Had a nice OTK session, and put the Hitachi magic wand to good use too.
A recent post by Red Booty Woman points to this article, Domestic Discipline in Relationships. I haven't read it all yet, but what I've read is very good.

Submissive Women

2012-01-07T19:24:00.000-05:00

I like to wander through the Tumbleverse and find pictures of submissive women being, well, submissive. If they are spankable, that is just a bonus.

Here's one that fills the bill, which I found at the appropriately named lovingslut.

Nothing says submission like a rope-bound spankable having her hair pulled while giving a blowjob. (Editor's note: Spanky likes to type "blowjob" for Google's benefit, because a surprising number of people search for "blowjob," or even more hopeful phrases like "Reese Witherspoon Blowjob." Alas, you won't find one here.)

If Hallmark made "Happy Blowjob" cards (and why don't they, for crying out loud?) I think this would be a popular one. I realize the phrase "Happy Blowjob" is redundant, but it has a certain ring to it.

Steak and Blowjob (*ding*) day is March 14th, in case you're marking your calendar.

Updates:

I thought this post on Keeping Out of the Rut was good.
Spanked Hortic's Saturday Swishing is good too!
Today's OTK was 200. I added another 150 or so with our rainbow nights paddle, which is one of our favorites.
Important public service announcement! Men, don't click here.
New Flash: The Blowjob Bell has arrived! Spanky is happy!

To Pee or not to Pee

2012-01-06T16:23:00.000-05:00

First, a submissive Bright Bottom from the archives at glasgow_spank. Clearly she's waiting for something.

Update: Naughty Little Writer is a relatively new blog I've discovered.

Today's kink is below.

Remember the early '70s, when free love was everyone's motto and it was really easy to get laid?

Me either.

I do remember this though. At the time, I rented a room from a male grad student and his skanky girlfriend.

One day I was home sick in bed, and they thought I was at work. The sounds of them in the shower together woke me up, and I got to listen along. Which was ickier than you might imagine, because she was low on my boinkable list.

They were kanoodling and ass grabbing when suddenly he yelled out, "Don't pee in the shower!" and pandemonium ensued while they argued about the virtues and vicissitudes of tinkling down the drain. Eventually they got dressed and left, and they never knew I was listening.

A few weeks later we were all in the living room watching tv, when suddenly the skank turned to me and said, with a nasty tone, "Are you the one leaving dirty dishes in the sink?"

"Probably," I replied. "Are you the one peeing in the shower?"

Insert priceless expression on skank's face. Advantage Spanky.

On that note, while I can relate to a lot of kinky things, the concept of urolagnia escapes me. I rediscovered the whole Golden Shower idea again while Kallisto and I were reading up on erotic humiliation. Then I saw the picture above, which incidentally fits with Hermione's Friday Fail theme, and it reminded me of that story from long ago, and there it is.

Thursday Bright Bottom

2012-01-05T19:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we ran our OTK count to almost 1100, which puts us slightly ahead of schedule. Kallisto's ass looked similar to the photo below when I got done with her. Update: tonight I worked in exactly 400 swats, putting us at 1491 so far this year.

So far it's been a good week here at Chez Spanky. Each bare handed spanking gets easier than the last. And they are making Kallisto pleasantly submissive afterwards too.

And the long awaited Blowjob Bell is in the mail as we speak. Life is good. I can't wait to see how well she (the bell, not Kallisto) works. I already know how well Kallisto works!

Today's Bright Bottom was found in the archive at Strictly Spanking.

This one is good too.

Knick Knack Fanny Whack

2012-01-04T18:40:00.000-05:00

Update: Jake over at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds has an interesting post on Spanking for Discipline. I also added another new spanking blog link: Someone's gonna get it.

Kallisto tells me she has ordered the Blowjob Bell! Is she great or what? Thanks again to Padme for the idea. Go visit her and say something nice, she deserves. it.

One of the things I like about blogging is meeting new people and learning new things. For example, a few days ago I posted about my New Year's Resolution to "give Kallisto 50,000 swats on her delicate fanny."

My, what a big fanny you have! But only in the US.

Almost immediately, one of my alert readers, Boobaloo, found this prose a little ~~crazy~~ confusing and Twittered me about it. Turns out Boobaloo lives on the other side of the pond, where "fanny" does not mean "fanny," at least not as it does here in the Colonies. To make a long story short, she pointed out to me that "fanny" in the "UK" means something completely different.

To summarize the salient points, in case you're as uneducated as I was and are too lazy to click on that link, in the US both men and women have fannies. In the UK, only the women have fannies, and they don't sit on them, and almost never get paddled on them. In both places, most men love women's fannies.

So I intend to spank Kallisto's fanny only in the US, but not in the UK, in case her US fanny ever goes there. In the UK, I'm going to treat Kallisto's fanny completely differently.

If you missed it yesterday, check out this interesting post I found on Twitter: Why Do I Want To Be Spanked?

OTK Interruptus

2012-01-03T19:55:00.000-05:00

I'm running out of ways to use OTK in my subject line.

Today is "back to work" day for Spanky, after a nearly 2-week respite. I'll try to update the OTK count when I get back and update Kallisto's ~~fanny~~ bum. Update: Today's OTK swat total was 260. Less than yesterday, but we're still on track.

Today's Spankable was found in the archives at glasgow_spank.

Step away from the rabbit, and put your hands up

Update: Here's an interesting post I found on Twitter today, Why Do I Want To Be Spanked?

Update #2: New spanking photo blog link, Strictly Spanking

OTK Counter

2012-01-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

In case you were still hung over yesterday or didn't have enough spare minutes in the day to waste one of them popping by here, my Year Year's Resolution for 2012 is to give the fair Kallisto 50,000 swats on her delicate bum. I put a counter in the sidebar so you can follow along for fun, and see how far we get. Today's total was 300. We used #1 of Bonnie's spanking positions, and it worked well.

Today's Spankable was found somewhere in the Tumbleverse, but I can't remember where unfortunately. I promise to start doing better with the attribution. Please let me know if you want attribution for anything you find here, and I'll take care of it, or remove it as you wish.

I like this photo for a number of reasons, and not just for the fact that I'm mad for redheads. I'm particularly mad for redheads with red bottoms. But who isn't?

From the "Now for something completely different" department: How to paint with your penis.

Note from the Editor: Boobaloo pointed out via Twitter that 'fanny' doesn't mean the same thing in the UK as it does here. So I changed 'fanny' to 'bum,' just to avoid anatomical confusion. Thanks Boobaloo!

Update: New photoblog link: Spanking.co.uk

OTK Resolution

2012-01-01T19:30:00.000-05:00

I'd like to ring in the New Year with a wonderfully witty and pithy post! But since I don't have one, I'll ring in with this post instead.

Now that I think about it, I'd rather ring in the New Year with my Blowjob Bell, but I don't have it yet.

I'm short on New Year's resolutions, other than this one: I resolve to give Kallisto 50,000 swats on the bottom with my bare hand this year! If that doesn't toughen up Edward Sissyhands, nothing will. That might seem like a big number, but I like to aim high. Or low, as the case may be. Update: added a counter to the sidebar to keep track so you can follow along.

I hope you give or receive all the swats you want this year too!

Here's the first Spankable of the New Year. Unfortunately, I don't remember who I stole it from.

Update: Check out Dana Kane's blog, with the winner of her "I broke my New Year's Resolution" spanking story contest.

Updated update: I also added an "Educational Links" section in the sidebar (at the bottom).

OTK Redux

2011-12-31T16:14:00.000-05:00

Redux is a fancy way of saying "Not another OTK post!"

A few days ago my OTK Spanking post asked for some advice about how to "toughen up" my hands to play the Butt Bongo, so I could be deliver the goods with aplomb, like Dana.

Erica Scott commented on that post and gave some helpful advice. Erica is one of the brave souls who follows me on Twitter. She obviously has copious quantities of spare time.

Erica has an awesome set of Bongos too.
If I have nothing to say, I can at least show a spankable butt.

Erica Scott, Life, Love & Spanking is an awesome blog too, so scurry over there when you're done here.

Speaking of Twitter, here is an exchange Erica and I had recently, which shows what a Funny Girl she is:

Erica Scott @EricaLScott

@BrightBottom9 Ha -- it'll work, you'll see! You'll go from Edward Sissyhands to IronPalm in no time. ;-)

I think "EdwardSissyhands" would make an awesome Twitter name. Wish I'd thought of it before she did.

And I got in some more practice yesterday, and I did much better! I'm nowhere near Dana's ability yet, but I'll get there.

Update: Links added to Boobaloo's Life, Please Spank My Perfect Bottom, Sir, and Pandora's Dreams of Spanking

Erotic Humiliation and the Blowjob Bell

2011-12-30T19:48:00.000-05:00

The first winner of the Spanky Seal of Approval

Kallisto and I were perusing the list of erotic humiliation activities at Wikipedia, to see if we were overlooking anything. One of our favorites is

Frequent, mandatory performance of sexual services for the dominant, such as erotic massage, cunnilingus, analingus, or fellatio, without expectations of reciprocal acts or intercourse

My favorite part of this is the nonreciprocating bit. Kallisto is slowing coming around to share my perspective on that one.

But I digress. In mid-discussion, along came a timely Twitter from Padme, of Darkside Journey fame, which alerted me to the Blowjob Bell (shown here) post on her great Tumblr blog. Of course "Beer and a Blowjob" (patent pending) would be an obvious improvement.

I teasingly sent Kallisto a note on our private blog and shared the Blowjob Bell (*ding*) picture with her and commented that it looked like a good idea. (Fishermen call that "setting the bait.") And she wholeheartedly agreed.

There was a time, not too many years ago, where I would have ~~rather put a grenade in my shorts~~ never dared make a suggestion like that, or even bring up the whole Blowjob concept. Let's just say, for propriety, that those days are long gone. Kallisto has wholeheartedly embraced and mastered the concept.

We will go with a solution ~~that won't give my mother a stroke~~ a tad less obvious, because we can't have something like the Blowjob Bell (*ding*) sitting around. It (the bell, not the Blowjob) has to be discreet, and remain close at hand for optimum utility. I'm thinking something like this (you'll need javascript enabled to see it). One in every room in the house would not be a bad idea, but I'll cross one bridge at a time.

On a related note, we have spent a lot of time over the last few days discussing TTWD, to further define and improve upon it. That will probably be a topic for some more posts down the road.

The coveted Spanky Hamster of Approval

I couldn't find a seal, so I decided to go with a Hamster. I hope you approve.

Update: I've rearranged my link categories and added some new ones, so check them out.

OTK Spanking

2011-12-29T17:01:00.000-05:00

Source

The spanking relationship that Kallisto and I share is a little confusing to me sometimes. We go for long stretches of time where her spankings are all part of our normal (to non vanilla people at least), almost daily routine. These "normal" or "play" spankings occur as part of the foreplay leading up to sex. The spankings come first (pun intended), and they set the stage for what follows. Spanking Kallisto almost always makes her wet and ready. (I'm generally ready, wet or not.)

Important fact for later reference: 99% of our spankings to date are done with some sort of spanking implement (paddle, flogger, cane, etc.)

Spanky set his goals early in life

But every so often Kallisto decides that she needs "discipline" spankings, in addition to "play" spankings, which complicates things for my brain. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how something can be punishment in one case and not in another. Not that I've totally wrapped my brain around anyone wanting to be smacked on the ass in the first place, having tried it personally (that's another story). I'd like to state for the record though, that I have nothing against the female ass, and in fact I have always been a female ass admirer. I even have a card in my wallet to prove it.

We always conduct the discipline spankings in a different place than the play spankings, and there is no sex or other kanoodling allowed. Kallisto wants to keep the discipline spankings compartmented in her mind from the play spankings. (I can understand how this might be difficult, seeing that she only has one ass).

We decided as a test, a few weeks ago, that Kallisto would start giving herself "demerits" for misbehavior. Once the demerits accumulate to some appropriate point, the discipline spanking would be administered, at my discretion.

A few days ago, I decided it was time. I sent Kallisto to the Discipline Room on short notice. She pulled down her pants, bent over, and placed her hands flat on the bed. Using our fairly new Studded paddle, I started administering the required number of strokes to her ass, using the ~~evil~~ metal studded side of the paddle. At one point I lost count, so I asked her how many swats I had given her. She told me, and I continued. Obviously she was paying attention.

When I reached the required number of strokes, I stopped and sat in a nearby chair as she started to pull her pants up. I stopped her.

Alas, Maureen O'Hara is not on Twitter

"I'm not finished with you yet," I said. I motioned for her to arrange herself over my lap. She complied instantly and automatically put her hands on the floor like a good girl. Though I think she was surprised, she assumed the position without argument, and perhaps even with anticipation.

I must admit I was motivated for the OTK by some video I had seen recently over at Dana Kane's blog. There is a video there of her (Dana) administering a first-rate hand spanking to some poor guy's bum (it's the video called "The Good Boy OTK"). I have to say that Dana's skill was impressive to me, and ~~it almost scared the crap out of me!~~ I felt compelled to try to emulate it. (In no way do I feel compelled to be on the receiving end of it, in case Dana's trying to fill her dance card.)

I started spanking her (Kallisto, not Dana ha ha) bare handed, which I had not done in a long while. I'd like to say that my performance was every bit as good as Dana's. I'd also like to say that I've found the secret formula for World Peace and recently won the Powerball too.

What really happened was that I worked Kallisto's ass over pretty well, but I probably gave her less than 75 swats before I had to stop because my hand was REALLY sore. At points I would stop and rub her ass or play with it, because (a) it's fun and (b) it stopped me from screaming.

Artist's conception of Spanky training to be like Dana

Obviously the OTK hand spanking is a skill that must be acquired. I now think Dana's performance is more impressive than I did when I first saw it.

Maybe I need to make like Rocky and start slapping around sides of beef or something.

So here's my question (not that I expect any answers): Are there any bare-handed OTK aficionados lurking out there? How long does it take to build up your hand to absorb the punishment? Any helpful tips? Any suggested Powerball numbers?

BDSM Man

2011-12-28T06:55:00.003-05:00

BDSM man is the current leader in the Sexy Gingerbread contest over at EdenFantasys.

Found at EdenFantasys

What do you think?

Peg O My Heart

2011-12-27T06:45:00.000-05:00

Some strap-ons are more fashionable than others

During a recent outbreak of ~~insanity~~ kinkiness, Kallisto and I decided to buy a strap-on to add some variety to our fun. Because I have reached the age where the home team sometimes does not come out of the locker room for the third-quarter, if you get my drift, I thought a harness might be an interesting way to extend our scrimmaging through the end of the game and possibly even into overtime.

It actually worked out a lot better than I thought it would, once I got over the whole male ego barrier against wearing a fake penis and looking like a dork, which was NOT on my bucket list. Kallisto, to her credit, did not laugh ~~much~~ at all.

In the process of deciding which harness to buy, I stumbled across an interesting sexual practice which I had been unaware of which deserves comment. As you may suspect, I'm speaking of the flavor of kink known as "pegging," which I will get to in a minute.

But first, I must point out that my unawareness of pegging and other harness-related proclivities was perfectly understandable. If you are like me, you may find yourself becoming increasingly indifferent or unaware of cultural developments as you grow older. In my case, I have a valid excuse: my brain cells are fully occupied remembering a lifetime accumulation of vital information, such as the winner of the 1973 Super Bowl and Reese Witherspoon's Birthday.

March 22nd. There's still time to shop.

When a new factoid wanders into the labyrinth of my brain, my brain cells roll their eyes and look at each other, as if to say "Enough already!" at which point the brain cell responsible for remembering the theme song to Car 54 (an actual TV show from 1961) starts singing "There's a holdup in the Bronx! Brooklyn's broken out in fights!" at the top of it's tiny brain cell lungs.

Pandemonium ensues as the other brain cells join in (except the one that tells me when to go pee, which is on constant alert) until the new factoid throws up its tiny hands and trudges away, eventually to disappear.

I'm beginning to suspect that unremembered facts are reprocessed by my digestive system into farts, which would explain a lot of old people.

But I digress. Pegging is, and I quote from their Wikipedia page here: "a sexual practice in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo. The neologism "pegging" was popularized when it became the winning entry in a contest in Dan Savage's Savage Love sex advice column, held after an observation was made that there was no common name for the act."

An observation probably made something like this:

HUSBAND: "What the @#!! are you DOING?"
OBSERVANT WIFE: "I don't know! It doesn't have a name yet!"

My alert readers have obviously noticed that another interesting fact about pegging, beyond the whole woman-borne dildo in the male ass part, is the fact that pegging got its name by winning a contest!

Just imagine what judging that contest was like:

EMPLOYEE: "How about Fudge Dipping?"
DAN SAVAGE: "Too Baskin-Robbins. We need a phrase with superior neologistic qualities!"

I propose that "Savage Love" should have been a strong contender, even though it was apparently already taken.

Upon further research, I discovered that I was possibly the last person on the planet to stumble across the whole pegging phenomenon. It turns out there are whole subcultures devoted to it. I would not be surprised to learn that colleges in California offer courses in "Pegging Theory," if they are not already awarding actual degrees in it. I just found 5,090,000 results when I Googled "pegging." Clearly, there is a lot of rumpus room renovation being undertaken by harness wearing ladies.

I was reminded of the whole pegging concept just the other day while I was ~~undergoing the examination from hell~~ having a one-sided conversation with my doctor, who in his own defense was not really listening to me because he was engrossed in probing the nether regions of my posterior with an ultrasound the approximate size of the bumper from a '47 Chrysler.

DOCTOR: "Are you OK?"
SPANKY: "Are you insane?"

Actually, I suspect I might be the insane one, as my brain cells sometimes stop singing the Car 54 theme long enough to whisper to me that 5,090,000 pegophiles (there's a neologism for you) can't be wrong. Kallisto, I might add, is open to anything.

However, I'm not sure I can open that much.

I'm all aTwitter

2011-12-26T12:12:00.008-05:00

I hope these few lines fine everyone in a festive Holiday mood.

I've added a widget for my Twitter feed in the sidebar. It contains my last 20 or so tweets and retweets. For those of you who are not wise in the ways of Twitter, like I was a day or two ago, the retweets are tweets that were originally tweeted by someone else (i.e. someone more interesting than me). They show up with an "RT" in them, followed by the Twitter address of the original Tweeter and whatever kinky linky bits they included in their original tweet.

Posted for general principle

When I find an interesting blog post or picture in my Twitter feed, I often retweet it, and it shows up in my feed as a link. I found a Firefox plugin that lets me tweet any URL too, so I can easily tweet interesting things I find while I'm wandering the web. This allows me to update my blog with links to fun kinky stuff, without actually having to create a post or even be logged in to Blogger.

If you don't have the "social sharing" buttons (that row of icons below the labels beneath my posts) turned on on your blog, you should consider adding them. One of those buttons is a "share to Twitter" button that allows someone (like me) to tweet your blog post and give it more visibility.

My tweets should occur much more frequently (i.e., multiple times a day at least) than my actual blog posts, so you should find something new in the feed every time you drop by.

You can also find hash tags in the feed (like #spanking etc.) Clicking one of those will take you to Twitter where you can see all the recent tweets with the same tag if you have a Twitter account, and if not Spot says "what are you waiting for?"

I was skeptical about the whole Twitter thing at first, but I'm finding I like it a lot. I recommend you get a Twitter account if you don't have one already, and check it out.

It is almost like crack.

Tomorrow will mark the end of the first week of Bright Bottom, and I've had just over 1000 visitors so far, thanks to Bonnie.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T12:26:00.000-05:00

source

If a Bear Tweets in the Woods

2011-12-24T07:36:00.004-05:00

The first thing I noticed after coming back to Blogger after a break of a few years was "Hey, Blogger doesn't suck anymore!"

At least not as bad.

Now, I can more easily control blog things that used to allow me to waste hours of time editing HTML and CSS while cursing the darkness. The Blogger Stats feature is nice enough, so I have not been tempted (yet) to make another StatCounter account, so I can waste the hours Blogger freed up seeing who is coming here, and where they came from, and what inane Google search term they used. (Editor's note: He's lying).

And doing it again in 5 minutes because maybe I have 300 new inbound links I didn't know about?

So I am now free to waste those hours of time on other things!

My new BFF

Like Twitter. My top-notch research staff (Spot my cat) told me that Twitter is supposed to be like crack to Bloggers, and it's a great thing, and no one should blog without it, and blah blah blah enough already.

So I decided to stop being one of the last remaining people on the planet who doesn't have a Twitter account (apparently Spot had one already), and sign up. Now you can follow this blog on Twitter!

I still have no idea why you would want to, however. Maybe someone can explain it to me?

There are some features of it (Twitter, not this blog) that I see potential in. For example, Twitter is a good way to get ideas. Not that you'll notice by anything I write here.

In case you're wondering, and I know you are, Hayley Mills is not on Twitter.

So I can't waste time cyber-stalking her and reading about ~~what color her underwear is~~ what she had for breakfast.

But Weird Al is! We're like buds now.

In the Spirit of Hermione's Friday Fail

2011-12-23T14:17:00.000-05:00

With apologies to Tchaikovsky, I nominate this:

Some things are just wrong. Even in HD.